Dear Ferret Folks-

My husband pointed out a cartoon in the comic section of the local
newspaper to me the other day. It is a strip called "The Grizwells"
that I had never seen before. It was only two panels. The first
featured some sort of park ranger yelling at a big sloppy looking bear
with a ranger hat lounging against a tree for a snooze. The ranger says
that he has been receiving all sorts of complaints about the bear's
job performance, specifically, his "waterboarding" weasels. The bear
complains that in his own defense he had been tremendously bored that
day.

Waterboarding weasels...waterboarding weasels...this phrase has entered
my household lexicon. I needed some phrase to describe what happens
when I am in the bathroom MINDING OWN BUSINESS while sitting. Caff-Pow
almost invariably paws open the bathroom door (if he doesn't, Todd will
do it, never fear!) and jumps into the bathtub, which is right next to
a seated person in my bathroom. I need only reach over, slide the
shower curtain shut and turn a lever....

And VIOLA! The offending weasel is instantly "waterboarded." This makes
him bounce, leap, jump, scramble, and if all else fails, *levitate*
himself bodily from the tub. It's harder to leave the tub when you are
sopping wet, apparently. Is that enough to keep him from jumping *back*
into the tub? Heck, no. Evidently as torture goes that's on the mild
side, because Mr. Dumb as a Stump (Look, Ma! No nads!) has been known
to jump back *into* the tub after a frenzied roll on the bathroom rug
at my feet. I obligingly waterboard him again.

"Confess, weasel! You are a fricken' idiot!!"

(Yes, Ma, turn the water on again!)

"OK, buddy. Eat hydrogen."

(BLAAH!!! I'M WET AGAIN!!)

"Yes you are, Stump. Wanna try for round three? Just jump back into the
tub again."

(OK! This is so much AAAGHHH! I'm wet again!!)

Jump
Jump
Leap
Scramble
Claw
Scratch

And so it goes.

Todd is not a domestic terrorist, and does not require this harsh
treatment. He is a good boy, and never tries to sneak more than three
ounces of ferretone into that one quart zip-lock bag that the airlines
and Homeland Security specify. Oh, it is true that he will steal
anything in a plastic bag regardless of the size, but he never does
anything truly egregious, like, say, jump unseen into the tub and wee
in there. I know who does that.

And so does Homeland Security, buddy. They have *lots* of water, and
they never sleep, Caff-Pow. They never sleep.

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 6399]