Dear Ferret Folks-
(Well, some of you, anyway.)
 
I came home from a vacation of almost two weeks, very late last tonight.
This afternoon I finally got around to looking in my inbox.  (Sigh...)
It was...interesting.  All of the pleas to not quit the FML were a
hint that something was wrong, certainly,...badly wrong.  For those
who...um...care, I haven't been in a bunker hiding, I've been out of
state, in Nevada.  (Thinking about it, though, Nevada would be an
*excellent* place to go to ground and hide, if I were so inclined.
If you've ever seen the beautiful, remote deserts there, you would
understand.)
 
If you read the introduction to the Declaration of Independence
(shockingly few Americans ever have) it says this, in Thomas Jefferson's
magnificent copper-plate handwriting: "In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.  The
unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, When,
in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to
dissolve the Political bands which have connected them with another, and
to assume, among the Powers of the Earth, the separate and equal Station
to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent
Respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare
the Causes which impel them to the Separation".
 
I believe that a decent respect to the Opinions of the FML, and to me,
might have included asking me for clarification, before assuming that
I was injuring Puma in some vicious fashion.  Why injuring Puma?
Apparently just for kicks and giggles, or for trying to fill some
sadistic yearning on my part...some void in my life that could only be
filled by torturing a small helpless animal, then bragging about it in
a hobbyist forum dedicated to the care and nurturing of that animal.  Is
that *logical*?  No.  Is that *likely*?  No.  Is it even *true*?  No.
 
I have nipped Puma on the back of her neck lately, when she bites me
first.  But *never* as hard as Ping chomps her there, on a daily basis.
Ping is He's and Puma's favourite game is something I call "Death Bite",
that they prefer to play in the bathtub for some peculiar reason.  They
take turns leaping in the air as high as they can, hanging up there like
Magic Johnson with fangs exposed, casting a star shaped shadow on their
willing victim waiting below (the tail adds that fifth 'leg' to the
shadow), then landing on their victim with a death bite to the neck.
They do this over and over again until there is fur all over the place.
There are snarls and squeaks and hisses.They buck, they roll, it is
extremely athletic.One will pick the other up by the scruff and shake 'em
like a bell.  They *love* this game.  How they manage to play without
slaughtering one another is a mystery to me, but I have certainly never
clamped Puma in my teeth and shaken her like a terrier shakes a rat, as
Ping does every day.  It would never *occur* to me.  Am I the *only*
person on the FML who has ever seen weasels *uck?  Apparently, judging
from recent comments.  The process involves savage biting.  Perhaps if
you ask Sukie nicely in a private e-mail, she can direct you to some
video.  Puma and I?  We simply do not have that kind of a relationship.
 
Further, I have nipped Puma with boring old people incisors, not some
fancy sharp arrangement like the ones Ping packs.  Those of you dim
enough to imagine tufts of fur, blood, gore, etc., please take this
opportunity to look in your ferret's mouth.  Notice the sharp, pointy
teeth.  Then go look in the bathroom mirror, and check out your own.
Different, aren't they?  That difference may be part of why I don't
dismember raw rabbits with my face when I get the sudden urge for a
snack.  Potato chips are more my style, not live prey.  Sorry if I have
offended anyone out there on the FML who *is* able to take down live
prey with their teeth.  Me, I lack the basic equipment.
 
The following made me laugh so hard I think I actually pulled a muscle
in my left shoulder: "Puma wasn't a biter (or, at least, I don't remember
a post saying she was) BEFORE the move.  Therefore, Puma isn't a normal
biter and shouldn't, IMHO, be treated as such."
 
Puma has ALWAYS been a biter.  That's why we named her PUMA, not
Fluffums, Sweetie, or Honey-Pie.  PUMA.  As in extremely bad-assed,
carnivorous predator akin to a mountain lion, catamount, or cougar.  Puma
prefers lurking beneath furniture, waiting for the foot kill.  I have a
lovely picture of her making a lunge for Bob Church, and she has bitten
Risa DiVencenzo in the *throat*.  Puma is most definitely a life-long
biter.  She prefers faces, but feet are good, too.
 
Further, nipping her is *working*, unlike time-outs, scruffing with a
firm command of "No bite", a water pistol, and all of the other methods
recommended to me here on the FML to deal with a biter over the years.
She is biting a lot less, despite dire predictions to the contrary.  It
wouldn't surprise me a bit if the stress of moving was what caused her
to bite more recently.  However, Puma, as a companion animal, faces a
definite threat to her wellness and safety every time she bites a hoomin.
So far nobody has been badly injured by her, but the possibility exists.
All it takes if for one person to kick up a fuss, and Animal Control
could become very interested in her.  I keep her up to date on her
rabies, but the late, lamented Kodo was up on his rabies, too.  That
didn't stop the powers that be from decapitating him, and biopsying his
brain on the off chance that he was rabid.  He was not, but it was really
a moot point by then, as his head could not be functionally re-attached.
I want better for Puma, and the less often she bites, the better off she
is.  This is not "fair", but it is a fact.  I have three nieces and
nephews under five who come to visit, and it only takes one furious
mommy....
 
THIS still has me shaking my head: "Long and short of it is this: That is
intolerable behavior, especially when it comes from a person who holds
herself in such high regard within the ferret community [I am referring
to Alexandra]."
 
I hold *myself* in high regard within the ferret community?  I challenge
this individual to find ANY statement from me (I suggest the use of the
FML searchable archives) stating that I am better than the rest of you.
I have a sense of humor about my life, because the alternative is to be
crushed beneath the weight of it.  If I am held in high regard in the
ferret community it is only because my humor is held in high regard.
There are sadder lives than mine, but my road is hard enough for me to
travel.  I don't spend much time bragging about the great I Am.  I know
too much about me.
 
I don't have anything more to say about this except that internet
communication is often an imperfect medium.  It never fails to amaze me
how quickly group hate flares up like an atom bomb in the poor, ancient
Nevada desert, then fades, leaving scorched-looking after images.  If
we conducted government via e-mail, we would have annihilated ourselves
a hundred times over on the FML alone.
 
Alexandra in MA
[Posted in FML issue 5359]