Dear Ferret Folks-

The dog is a Diurnal Detritivore, she will eat detritrus (A fancy word
for junk, debris) of every manner if *allowed* to, but her favourite is
hoomin food. You'd think that dogs would have shown evidence of massive
'dental recession', a shortening of the snout and jaws where dogs pack
teeth. Once upon a time our distant ancestors, too, had something of a
snout, a "Prognathous Jaw" but we started eating the good stuff, and
our teeth got smaller, and we got chins. Dogs plain don't need that
wolf hardware, anymore. They have burned dinner, thrown away takeout
food,the neighbour's trash cans, dumpsters, kibble in a bag, soft food
in cans, stale Munchkins from the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru and anything
they can beg or steal from the Master's plate.

(Master...now there is a joke. My dog has a 35.00$ electric dog collar,
a 100.00$ electric dog fence current generating box, a 35.00$ spool of
dog wire to make *her* yard ,that *we* pay the morgage on, a soft
fleecy dog bed that sits right in front of the warm woodstove so her
old bones feel good, toys, special food for old dogs, and a now *empty*
350.00$ velvety green pillow-top armchair in the living room. Plus the
inaleienable right to lick all plates before they go in the
dishwasher.. Who is the master!)

France the Hedgehog is more specialized. She is a Nocturnal
Detritivore. She eats some really disgusting things like bugs, but at
night. Sleeps all day in a soft, fleecy lined pouch near the same
woodstove the dog is camped out in front of. At night she comes out,
runs a mile or so in her wheel, and chows down on expensive kibble,
mealworms, and high protein hoomin table scraps. Her bretheren are
caugh for sale in Kenya by shining a flashlight at them at night at the
edge of a hoomin landfiill. They freeze in horror, and try to scare the
Keynans by hissing like rattlesnakes. Kenyans gotta eat too, and HHogs
are no bigger than potatos. Another Hedgehog goes into the collection
bag.

Sterling the Catlet is more specialized, still. He is a Crepuscular
Detritivore. Most active at dawn and dusk, he has, of course, his own
special kibble, and both the will and finesse to jump bodily into the
trash can. Where he feasts, of course, on high-calorie detritus. Until
it is taken away from him. He also has the agility and sheer ballsiness
(we will take take of that soon, little man. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!) to make
a play for what his hoomins are actively eating at any given time from
their plates. That is why I thumped him on the head repeatedly with my
fork one day so that I could have my cake, and eat it, too. An hour
later, my husband picked him up, snuggled him close, then looked up
questioningly and said "The cat's head smells like frosting?" Now
Sterling is known as Cake-Head. Not a name for a carnivore, but then
again he is not a carnivore. He is a Crepuscular Detrivore.

Then there are the ferrets. Ah, yes, the Ferrets. They, too, are
Crepuscular Detrivores. Once, like Cake-Head, formerly known as
Sterling, they were believed to be Obligate Carnivores. But...ham
wrappers, still dripping pink juice from the trash can, the occasional
raisin, greasy, high-protein kibble that costs more per pound than
steak, wasabi peas, chocolate of any and all varieties, root beer,
roast chicken bones, and..um...rubber. This is a strange diet, indeed.
It can only be classed as edible detritus, although I am not sure how
to categorize rubber tool handles. Ot the little fur coverings from
Cake-Head's toy mice.

The concept of the "Species-Appropriate diet" that Selina wrote about
yesterday needs to be completely revamped, and most of the current
dogma thrown away all together. Sukie wrote of "CONFIRMED CONCLUSIONS",
but I say we have only CONFIRMED DELUSIONS. Go look in your
refrigerator, list what you find there. Are you not a Diurnal
Detrivore, too, eating all manner of strange crap all day long, and
well into the night?

At least you have a chin.

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 5426]