The following is an actual letter and response. The name has been changed.
 
>"Dear Mr. Church,
>
>What is with you ferret people? Why on earth would you like those stinky
>little rodent things instead of something good, like a dog? What good is
>a useless ferret anyway? Get a dog like a real man."
>
>Peggy Sue
 
Hey Peggy Sue!
 
You are absolutely correct in your assessent of ferrets.  To think I have
been fooled for such a long time, and at great expense as well, I might add.
I want to thank you for helping me realize this.  I am so ashamed.  You are
so right, ferrets are absolutely worthless.  They don't seem to guard any
junkyards, they don't drive sheep or guide the blind.  In fact, they don't
seem to do much on anything except sleep, play, eat and poop.  Well, they do
like a good rubdown from time to time.  And they like to get into mischief.
But you are right, just like cats, hamsters, aquarium fish, birds, and
almost all dogs, they don't do much.  Of course, I did enjoy the playtime,
as well as the mischief, but as you so rightly point out, they are worthless
in the work department.
 
They also stink.  If you stick your nose down into their fur, they smell
mighty musty.  I never seemed to notice that before, and I want to thank
you for pointing that out to me.  Now, I've smelled cat boxes and dog
manure and wet dogs, so I have the experience to tell you, ferrets have a
smell as well.  One of my older ferrets, an ancient old man named Foster,
sometimes passes gas in his sleep.  Stinky stuff.  And also, some of the
younger ferrets will pass a little gas when they wrestle too hard.  I hope
the odor doesn't bother you too much, after all we live in the same town.
 
As for worth, I'm not sure, but again you are probably correct in that
regard as well.  Several of my ferrets were abused or abandoned, so they
came to live with me at no charge.  Some of the other ferrets were gifts
from dear friends.  However, I did buy some of them, and they cost anywhere
from $75 to $200, not counting shipping and handling.  If you add to the
original price the cost of neutering (about $50), and added the entire cost
together, then the average cost per ferret is somewhere about $60.  This
includes those donated to me of course, so at least from my perspective,
ferrets are not worth very much.  I mean, a dinner date and movie dips into
the wallet far more, and thats without any promise of play time at all.  I
wanted to check my figures, so I looked in the newspaper to see what ferrets
might cost, and sure enough, hidden in the scores of "free puppies" and
"free cats" was a single ferret for sale.  It was selling for $80, but you
got the cage as well.  Knowing the cage must cost at least as much as $20
(used), that would leave the ferret to be $60, right in my ballpark.  Since
you cannot quantify play time, or raptured enjoyment; I mean what might be
worth a lot to me might be worthless to a person without the capacity to
enjoy such worthless acts as a ferret licking your face, or sleeping on your
lap, or grooming you, especially if they were once beaten and abused and
were afraid of everything.  So, since those things cannot be quantified,
they are worthless, and that means the ferret has no real value.  Again,
thank you so much for pointing that out to me.  Thank you.
 
Of course, and this statement is only for the historical facts--not any
defense of the ferret--but they do have a long and honorable history on
this planet.  For example, long before cats were introduced into Europe,
the ferret was used as a mouser and a ratter.  An interesting coincidence
is that about the same time cats took over this role from ferrets is when
Europe began to be savaged by rat-borne disease, but who knows, perhaps the
ferrets weren't doing their jobs correctly.  I might be mistaken, but I
think they did did a barely adequate job at flushing rabbits out of holes
for the peasantry to eat.  This was, and still is, a common practice
throughout Europe and into the western parts of Asia.  Since, as any student
of the middle ages knows, food was at a premium for the poor, the ferret
might have been even more important than even the dog in food gathering and
basic human survival.
 
But you are right.  Ferrets are useless, valueless and stinky.  I am ashamed
to even own one, much less the amount that run through my halls, doing
nothing and stinking up the place.  I do have one problem, however.  I've
given them names, and I know this is proof of my lack of manhood, but I
actually like them bouncing around.  Until this time in my life, it never
actually occurred to me that I might be, well, not a man (if you know what
I mean).  I mean, I don't like pink, and I don't waste time on window
treatments or anything, but I do like ferrets.  I knew some of those "guys"
when I was in the Navy, serving as a corpsman with the Marines.  In fact,
one admitted his preferences to me while I was patching him up under fire
just outside Da Nang.  He later died and his mother sent his Silver Star to
his "friend;" I'm sure a real man wouldn't have died saving a platoon of
people.  I know the Bible says "No greater love than a man lay down his life
for another," but I honestly never thought He meant it that way.  Thank you
for pointing that out as well, and I promise to seek gender therapy as soon
as I get rid of my ferrets and can afford it.
 
In closing, I want you to know that I greatly admire a person who sees their
duty as clearly as you, and who strives to protect and educate all of us
about the shortcomings of our pets and, so it seems, our sexual preferences.
What great courage and dedication!  And I am sure you show the same
sensitivity and understanding to your own pets, family and dear friends.  I
am honored to be included in such a bunch.  Thank you once again for all
your helpful and thoughtful advice.  God Bless.
 
Yours,
 
Bob Church
 
PS: I am very sorry if you consider a few of the above statements to be
somewhat satirical in nature. I would never do that.
[Posted in FML issue 2346]