After reading the post from "Bostrom, Michael A" about the top 12 (yes, I
caught the repeat of 8&7) reasons why ferrets shouldn't be legalized in
California I felt compelled to dig through my old files and pull out
something in a similar vein.  This piece is about 8 years old and has made
the newsletter circuit extensively so I apologize if people have already
seen it.  Feel free to just scan ahead to the next item on the FML.
 
"Pehaps we are being a bit too hard on the anti-ferret people out there.
After all they are scientists and have done considerable research to reach
their conclusions.  The problem with their conclusions is that they lack a
comparison group.  So, let's take some of the same reference sources they
used, add a comparison group familiar enough so that everyone can identify
with it, and extrapolate to the logical conclusions:
 
1).  According to a study done by the New York Department of Health over a
10 year period, after reducing all the reported bite incidents to a common
per 1000 animals/per year, you are over 117 times more likely to be bitten
by a human being than a ferret.
 
2). The human mouth has more native bacteria which are harmful to human
beings than most animal species.
 
3). The only two animals closely associated with Man in a domestic capacity
to have true rabies carrier status are the common domestic dog and human
beings.
 
4). There has never been a confirmed ferret-human or ferret-ferret
transmission of rabies.  In the history of CDC record keeping there have
been several human-human transmissions.
 
5).  The rabies preventitive vaccine for humans is not 100% effective.  (no
vaccine for any species is)
 
6).  In over 300 years in this country (it is likely ferrets came over on
the Mayflower) there has only been 1 ferret-related human death, and that
was under conditions of parental neglect.  Every year human beings kill
literally thousands of people, too often children.
 
7).  Territorial and "pecking order" disputes among ferrets are rare and
almost never end in serious bloodshed.  The exact opposite is the case with
human beings.  Disputes are frequent and rarely end any other way.
 
8).  The Domestic Ferret is a man-made, crated breed, which does not exist
in the wild.  There are still a few groups of human beings in the wild (the
Aborigines, etc.) but they are becoming increasingly rare.
 
9).  There are no feral colonies of ferrets anywhere in the world.  Human
beings who have gone feral (criminals) exist in every country.
 
10).  Ferrets do not hunt in packs and are generally docile even in groups.
Packs of feral humans (gangs, crime syndicates, riots, and health
departments) are a common occurance and these groups tend to be far more
dangerous than their individual members.
 
11).  Ferrets have a limited temperature range for survival, whereas human
beings have been known to adapt to almost any environment (like the ocean
floor or outer space).
 
12).  Most Domestic Ferrets sold as pets are spayed or neutered.  Human
beings are prolific, often indiscriminate breeders.
 
13).  Aside from their limited droppings, ferrets have little impact on
their environments.  Human beings are well known for their environmentally
destructive habits.
 
Based on these findings, as well as their much greater size, strength, range
and agressive/destructive nature, there is only one logical conclussion we
can jump to.  We, as responsible citizens, should immediately mount a
massive campaign to ban human beings as companion animals and try to
eliminate this dangerous species entirely!!!
 
Oops, What am I saying?  Maybe we aren't being too hard on them after all.
Never mind.       "
 
There you have it.  Disclaimer: 1.  This is an old article.  2.  It IS
satire.
 
"Nothing should be implied as law which leads to unjust or absurd
consequences."
                    "The game's not over until I win!"
[Posted in FML issue 2217]