Dear Stinky,
You are my first ferret and, if it s up to my girlfriend Jennie, also my
last.  You let her down.  We have a ferret because we live in an old
apartment in Amsterdam, where it is necessary to keep a cat, or mice will
pester you all winter.
 
But my girlfriend hates cats.  She is very doggy.  But I don t think it s
nice for a dog to live on the third floor.  Especially not the big dogs my
girlfriend likes.  So we agreed on a ferret.
 
I must say: you are brilliant.  You are ten times more affectionate than
any cat I have ever seen, and completely lack the arrogance.  You look me
in the eyes, which cats don t.  You jump around me when I walk.  Run up my
legs all the time, sleep in my arms, and feel nowhere safer.  I know you
love me, because if you cannot sleep in my arms, you crawl in my shirt.
When I m out you find a recently worn piece of my clothing to sleep on.
So much more affection than I could get from a cat.
 
But like a dog I can take you out for walks.  With leash or without!  You
even play with the children in the play ground.  We are less charmed by you
slipping onto the balcony of the neighbour, who has furofobia.  Because of
her screaming some two hundred families are aware of your naughtiness now.
The neighbour also screams when meeting you in the street, however.  She is
really quite hysterical.  The rest of the neighbourhood likes you fine.
Some shopkeepers especially ask me to take you, since you brighten up their
day.
 
I have only one complain; you don t catch mice at all.  Your species is
crap at that.  You may be particularly bad at it, but if you were ten times
better, you would still be atrocious.  A human can catch them faster.
 
You are actually afraid of mice.  They startle you when they run across
the room.  According to Jennie you don t dare to go under the floorboards
anymore because of the mice.  So thank you very much, Stinky; now rodents
are down there having a feast on all the dried up groceries, you diligently
stole in the course of summer.  So thanks to you we actually have more
mice.
 
It makes me wonder why you are the way you are.  Purposely bred after
all.  If human hunters wanted to catch the prey themselves, I can possibly
understand why human hunters did not want ferrets to kill prey, but merely
chase it (you don t do that either).  But why do ferrets have all these
other characteristics?  Why are you stuck in this eternal youth?  Why do
you stay cuddly, social, keen to learn and playful, like baby polecats?
Why don t you grow up like other weasels and do things properly?  OK steal
those vegetables, if you must, but then at least protect them from mice.
 
Last week the Moroccan neighbour asked if you could stay overnight at their
house, because he hoped you would catch their mice.  I know how fond their
little daughter is of you, and I know she is not allowed any pets, so I
gave my permission, without telling them how bad you really are.  The next
day my neighbour handed you back.  And his daughter declared that you had
caught two mice!  Her father may not have seen it, but she did.
 
Isn t that terrible?  Knowing your rate of performance, I realised that,
despite her childish innocence (only six years), the little girl was lying
through her teeth.  And I had to play along, because admitting you are
perfectly incapable of catching anything would have seemed a little strange
to her father.  He never asked to borrow a cuddly toy.
 
But I must also admit; the girl s father also said you had been well
behaved and that is a bit of a miracle as well (especially thinking of
all those vulnerably exposed Moroccan toes).
 
Lick on your ear
 
Patrick
[Posted in FML issue 3216]