Q: "What is it like living in your house with 20 ferrets?"
 
A: I don't live....I survive....
 
Here is a typical day:
 
6 o'clock.  Woke up and noticed the sun is in the west rather than the
east.  Must be early evening.  Staggered to the bathroom and noticed one
side of my face was lopsided.  Thank God I was normal in all respects.
 
6:30 pm.  Cleaned up the poopie boxes, the areas around the poopie boxes,
and the areas away from the poopie boxies, as well as a few other places.
Noticed a poopie near my chair that was very similar to the Chinese
character for "Give Raisins or Die." Still trying to figure out how the
ferrets can poopie under the door and get it on the other side.
 
7:OO pm.  Willingly gave my breakfast to my ferrets rather than
"disappear." I gave them all the nickels in my pockets as well.  Bullies.
 
7:30 pm.  Pulled out the pooter keyboard and realize several keys are
missing.  I replaced them with old erasers.  However, I now know what the
light tan objects in several poopies were.
 
8:00 pm.  Ignoring the intense pain around my ankles and feet as my socks
were being dragged off, I finally logged in to the MU server.  Today was a
good day....it was running at 1000 bytes a minute with unintentional
hangups only every few minutes.  Had to stop twice and retrieve the mouse
from Carbone.  Then I had to retrieve my hand from Carbone.
 
8:30 pm.  Called the pharmacy for more bandaids and ointment.  Tui decided
blue jeans were a transport to raisin heaven and the legs inside were in
his way.  Applied more ointment and bandaids.
 
9:00 pm.  Watched Tui and Carbone wrestle each other for the 8,930th time
that day.  So far.  Then watched Moose climb the stool, leap onto the
folding chair, climb the back, then launch himself towards the spinning
blades of the ceiling fan.  Just barely missed it by several feet.  If he
made it, I might have said, just made it but missing several feet.  He fell
in slow motion and I could see his tail spinning to slow himself down.  I
told him what a silly ferret he was, so he bit me on the nose.  I was
grateful, and wondered if a silver or gold replacement would look best.
 
10:00 pm.  Retrieved my toes from a hidey hole and put them on ice for
future reattachment.
 
11:00 pm.  Attempted for the 17th time to finish a chapter of a book I am
working on.  Tore up the pages and tossed them in the air.  Thats hard to
do when you use a computer program to write stuff.  The ferrets chased the
ether pages all around the room.  Tui tried to reach the raisins again.
Applied more ointment and bandaids.
 
1:30 am.  All the ferrets are asleep, so I sneaked into the closet to get
some references.  I looked down to see 20 ferrets climbing in boxes of
references waiting to be filed away.  Ballistic poopied on a copy of a
Russian paper on ferret-polecat hybrids.  It was a cryllic message.
 
4:00 am.  Finally got all the ferrets out of the closet and closed the
door.  Then I went back in to get the three I missed.  Then I went back in
to get the four that snuck in while I was getting the three.  Then I went
back in to get the reference I forgot.
 
6:00 am.  Noticed the rising sun was the same color as the blood on my
socks.  Realized my ferrets were staring at me.  Intently.  Little eyes
boring holes into the back of my head like lasers from the Lost In Space
robot.  So I filled the food dish.  Put ointment and bandaids on the laser
holes.  Wondered if the hospital could recycle my lost blood back into me.
 
7:00 am.  Finally finished three sentences of the chapter I was working on.
Noticed all the ferrets were sleeping, so I snuck over to the bathroom
door, but stepping on a rug mine set off the escape alarm and 20 ferrets
met me at the door.  It was an ugly crowd, out for Bob.  I tossed all the
raisins I had into the air, and ran as fast as I could through the sea of
slashing teeth and poofing bottoms.  I reached the door, ran through and
closed it behind me.  Then opened it again to get rid of the four ferrets
clinging from various parts of my body.  Then I opened it again to get rid
of the ferrets that creeped in while I was getting rid of the four.
 
8:00 am.  Finally got all the ferrets back in their room.  Collapsed from
lack of blood and nourishment on the futon.  Watched a minute of classic
Star Trek before passing out in an anemic haze.
 
9:00 am.  Tossed a grown cow into the ferret room, and slamed the door so
as not to hear the cries of the doomed beast.  All I heard was a surprized
moo, a tipping sound, then crunching.  <shiver>
 
10:00 am.  Ran through the piles of marrow-cracked cow bones to the pooter
so I could read the FML.  Sadly, not a single post on how to eliminate my
ferret infestation.  Just thinking it brought out the laser eyes on the
back of my neck.  I passed out from the intense pain.  As I blacked out, I
saw a ferret coming over holding a small black box sprouting the type of
thin wires they stick into brains....looked sort of like one of the rats
from NIHM....all turns black......
 
6:00 pm.  What a nice day.  Gave the ferrets a whole bag of raisins for
breakfast, and couldn't resist adding my calling card to the corner pile.
I sat down and made a list of things I could do to improve ferret lives and
posted them to the FML.  What sweet, innocent creatures!  How could anyone
not love them?  I showered and noticed it was hard to comb my hair through
some sort of boxlike device.  Oh well.  Now, what can I do for the ferts
today?....maybe buy some goldfish, hamsters and small birds...
 
Bob C and 20 MO Remote Controllers
[Posted in FML issue 2345]