I posted on CSI two weeks ago, when my beloved little guy Sebastian died
in my arms. And it would really be terrific if he was looked after at
the Bridge.
He came to me after losing his cagemate, Nero. And then his owner
decided he "didn't want the mess" of losing Sebastian, so I got an
unwieldy cage and a ferret with terribly advanced and untreated Adrenal
disease.I knew Sebastian for the first year of his life, and he was
always the sweetest little guy.
I remember when I first saw him, at the back of a cage in a pet store.
All his cage mates were sables, and he was the only albino. They were
all roughhousing, playing around, nipping. I stuck my fingers in the
cage and he came slowly down the ramp, lay down squarely in front of
me, rested his little head on my outstretched fingers and stared into
my eyes as if to say "can I go home now?"
I regret, more than anything, leaving him behind when I left my ex. But
technically he was not mine, and I was assured that with his finances
as solid as they were, Sebastian and Nero would be taken care of. Of
course, I was wrong. They were never taken to a vet again after I left,
and when Sebastian came to me at last, it was just a matter of time.
Sebastian was so sweet. Never a nipper, never even a rough-housing guy.
He was happy exploring, taking his treasures and moving them from one
hidey hole to another. He was not my smart guy, not my playful guy,
but my sweet guy. He would sleep in my arms while I watched television.
He would kiss my nose like it was his sworn duty. My other two ferrets,
a bonded pair, did not get along with him, as his gentle nature
collided with their rambunctious war-game style of communication. So
sadly, Sebastian spent his last months in an isolated area of the cage,
always in sight of fellow ferrets, but not able to have any more than
the shortest, supervised visits. They were mean to him, and his skin
was just too thin for him to be pulled around.
I remember one of the times I tried to integrate my ferrets, and they
were picking on Sebastian. I opened the cage to rescue him, and
Sebastian, wide-eyed, leapt out of the cage onto my arm, grabbing it
tightly and scrambling up my body, trembling, his whole body rigid. I
don't pretend to be a pet psychic, but everything about him was screaming
"let me go home! I want to go HOME!" I held him, looking over in the
corner at the collapsed ferret cage that had been his home for four
years, looking around my place, which was an unfamiliar landscape to him.
I knew that even my smell, faintly familiar, was not the smell of his
"real" dad, of his "real" home, and THAT was where he wanted to be. But
all that was gone, all that had disappeared. I had no way to communicate
it to him, and I knew that I embodied all that was cruel and heartless by
not giving him the one simple thing he had always had, that security, his
cagemate, his home, his world. I just held him, and eventually he calmed
down. Not in peace, I suspect, but in exhaustion.
He finally passed away in my arms at 9:20 AM Sunday, September 11th. He
had a seizure around 3 AM, and was unresponsive after that. I took him
from his cage to my bed, and cuddled with him until he died. I don't
think I have ever felt so inadequate. I only hope I managed to
communicate to him that he was loved, that I was sorry, that the world
did not even begin to do him justice. He was not smart, not witty, not
clever. he didn't do tricks, or escape from impenetrable places. He
chuckled when he walked, though by the time I saw him, his dancing days
were over. He was simply very sweet, very loving, and wanted nothing
more than to be home, forever, with his cage mate.
So please, Sandee... Let me know is he found Nero again, if he found a
home again. Let me know if he forgives me. I tried so hard, but I'm
just a stupid human who can't make the world a better place than it is.
All I could offer him was love and companionship, and maybe something
resembling an apology for his short, sad life.
Thanks
Jonathan
Benjamin and Ringo
[Posted in FML issue 5020]
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