Hi all.

I just made it back from the vets. When we got there Angel was very
thirsty, so I asked for a cup of water for us both. They came out with
a silver bowl of water for her and a styrofoam cup for me. I ended up
giving her water out of mine.

The doctor came in and examined her, and said there was one really big
tumor and another smaller one toward the bottom of her chest. Lymphoma,
most likely.

He took an x-ray of her lungs. It showed the lymphoma had metasticized
already, which was making it hard for her to breath.

This morning when I woke her up, she was breathing normally again and
actually urinating. So I had her go to the bathroom and then I saw her
do one of her little "jump skips" before I put her in the carrier for
the long ride to the vet. It made me smile.

So anyway, the vet showed me the x-rays and it was decided. No
chemotherapy, not a surgery candidate, she was in pain and rather
than have her lungs fail her we decided to put her to sleep.

I asked if there was anything good for her to eat, and they only had
baby food. She hates the stuff, but I offered it. I hadn't brought any
nutrical...I wish I had, but I think she wouldn't have taken it with
the vet standing there anyway. When he had stepped out to give me time
with her, she started giving me kisses, as I was on the phone trying
to contact my fiance to let him know she was going to be put to sleep.

I told the vet to come back in and he did it, as I held her. I was
going to try to have her kiss me but he did it so fast I didn't have
time (the one thing that I am upset about) and so she felt it, and then
laid her head down on my chest. I think she was already gone just like
that.

I am having her cremated.

It felt like I had her forever. I know it sounds stupid but I had to
put something on her cremation urn and they said I could fit a little
on there. So it's "Angel - Forever to 2007" which I KNOW makes
absolutely no sense except to me. Just because it was forever ago that
she came into my life. And that forever is gone.

I am not handling it well. I took lots of pictures, I took a pawprint
before she went to the vet, and it all helps but I can't stop crying.
It never gets easier....maybe it even gets harder.

Thank you all who prayed and sent emails and posted here. I am grateful
for this community. I know I don't post much, but it's only because I
am busy - finding homes for ferrets, taking care of the ones I have,
and work - but it's not because I just hop on once in a while. I read
every digest.

Thanks all,
Laryssa

[Posted in FML 5671]