Dear FML' ers,

I will start out by telling all that my sweet Tootsie girl left for the
bridge last week. I understand, there were many things wrong. And even
though I have all the good memories of her I also have the memory that
I contributed to her death But I wanted to tell everyone what a
wonderful little ferret girl she was. I have already sent a message to
the bridge greeters and heard back. But I wanted everyone to know her.

The woman that brought her into the shelter said she did not want her
because she would not play like a baby.

The day she came into the shelter she was at least somewhere between 10
and 10 1/2 years old. I have had her for almost a year so she was at
least 11 years old when she passed. She was a foster, but she was loved
like she had been a part of my family for ever.

It was love at first sight the day she arrived. But she needed some
quick vet care and she was not able to come home with me that very day.
Her quick vet care consisted of having almost all of her teeth remove.
When she came into the shelter her teeth and gums were black. When the
vet was done she had maybe five teeth left.

Tootsie was a silver girl with a very definate siamese mask. She had
very thin fur. After one Lupron shot she had beautiful thick, soft fur.
Excellent table (eating) habits. She had to have her face wiped off
after just a few bits. She could not stand food on her whiskers or her
chin She could only eat softened kibble, with a half teaspoon of
chicken baby food and a half teaspoon of A/D. She eat this mix about
four times a day. And she always ate really well for me. She had her
own special bowl. Getting towards the end sometimes she had to be force
fed. And I even had to give her fluids(to re hydrate her) a couple of
times.

She had a terrible inner ear infection. Tootsie had a tumor very close
to her brain and the vet had told me that when it reached into the
brain cavity she would very likely die. I thought I was prepared.
Wrong! Tootsie had a permanant tilt to her head. She would walk in
circles if I did not point her in a direction. She had permanant "Bad"
smell to her breath, like infection(this was most likely due to her bad
teeth). And she was very hard of hearing and blind. Tootsie could not
straighten out very well any more, her back legs were weak and betrayed
her. Then her front legs became wobbley and did not function well. She
had insulinoma(dexamethasone 1x aday). And my Tootsie girl got so she
sleept alot. Tootsie was on antivert transdermal every 12 hours
(dizziness & upset stomach), amoxicillin 2x a day, baytril shots
2x a day, centrine(upset stomach) in between the antivert applications.
And last but not least, valium(when needed) in case of seizures. She
went for vet vis its frequently. The vet always told me that Tootsie's
heart was very strong. I should tell eveyone that Tootsie was not in
any pain after her teeth were removed.

While Tootsie was here she had her own cage. I lined the bottom with
a fleece blanket, then there was a surgical pad(she could not use a
litter box anymore), then I folded a flannel blanket in half for her 
to lay on. Then she had one or two fleece blankets(according to how
thick the fleece was she had a very hard time maintaining her body
temperature and was always cold). If her cage was not set up exactly
like she wanted it she would grunt and grumble at me. Her cage or her
house was cleaned every single day. She was never allowed to lay in
urine or poop. I was worried she would get urine scald and suffer. She
let me and me alone hold her. She liked to lay stretched out with her
head on my chest. I held her and we would talk and sometimes I would
sing to her. I can not carry a tune in a bucket, but Tootsie liked it.

About a week before she passed we discussed the bridge. And I really
thought everything was going to be just fine. Because I did not want
her to stay in her cage all the time(she would go there willingly at
night, but wanted out in the day time), she stayed in the bathroom
during the day. I put a piece of plexiglass a cross the door. The few
times she came out, she went directly towards my smell, the bedroom.
Then the last day while I was at work she forced her way out of the
bathroom by pushing the plexiglass open a little. I searched
erverywhere. Tore my house apart. She crawled out of the bathroom and
went in the opposite direction. She went to the basement steps, fell
down to the bottom and had a heart attack.

I have punished myself everyday for allowing my sweet girl to die. I
have spent most of my life trying to save life and now I have taken a
life, I killed my baby girl. I only hope my Tootsie will please forgive
me, and remember how much I loved her.

Since her loss I have taken in two new babies(born the second half of
June), hoping they would distract me from Tootsie's death. Even though
I love them very much and yes they are great fun, and yes again, I have
other ferrets that I love and they need me, it has not distacted me
from what I have done.

I could not begin to tell how many tears I have cried or how guilty I
feel.

Please everyone take true caution with your little ones. We all know
that they can be very inventive and get into situations that can very
harmful, even deadly. Give your fur kids an extra hug and kiss, this
could be the last hug and kiss you are ever able to give them.

Donna

P.S. I am so sorry this is so very long

[Posted in FML 5403]