I am having a hard time trying to write this. I cant title it
'Goodbye'. I just cant believe that I wont see my little River again. I
know we'll be meeting again on the other side. It feels like its been
so long since I held my baby boy. But then again, I can still feel him,
and it feels like it happened only yesterday.

Three weeks ago today (Tuesday) I was driving to the vets to take River
for his insulinoma surgery. I made sure I got there early to be able to
spend a little more time lovin' on him. Kissing his handsome belly. And
him giving me lots of little kisses on my nose. And letting him look
out the window and take a sniff at the chilly air. He liked to do that.
And even though he'd probably never admit it, he did like me lovin' on
him... as macho as he tried to be in front of his ferret-sister - he
just knew he had me wrapped around his little paws.

God how I wish it was 3 weeks ago. I wish I was back again driving into
the vets. I wish I wouldve gotten a flat tire, had an accident (River
was ok), ran out of gas, my engine broke, got car jacked (but the guy
let me keep River with me)... *anything*. Anything that would have
delayed me getting to the vets, and the surgery would have been
cancelled. I really wonder if I was getting "signs" to not go thru
with the surgery... I thought it was me just being paranoid. If I was
suppossed to understand these signs, and I wasnt understanding them -
I wish I got whalloped with a sign that was out of my control. Like
getting a flat tire that was too far from home, and too far from the
vets. And my cell phone wouldnt work. And the towtruck driver was late
beyond belief. And me and River were stuck sitting on the side of the
road for hours. The surgery just wouldve had to have been cancelled
that day.

My Rivie had insulinoma. I was feeding him around the clock. His
special soupie dishes are sitting empty in his room. They've been empty
for so long. It breaks my heart looking at them so clean and empty.
His medication sits on a table, waiting for him. His best little
ferret-friend Diti looks so lonely sleeping in River's most favorite
bed. I see his little face looking up at me and following me around
waiting so sweetly for his mid-morning 'crazy soup'. His favorite
"slippy slide" (a long cardboard tunnel that he loved to run thru and
then have me tilt for him so he would go sliding down it, and usually
crashing in to Diti), his favorite poopy corner spots, his tunnels, his
toys are all reminders of how much I miss him. And how much fun I had
with him. My closet is so empty without finding him sleeping in there
at some point during the day. There was a dog bed that he found a hole
in so he could crawl inside of it on cold winters day to stay nice and
warm - I still step over it reflexivly thinking he might be in there.
When I call Diti to come downstairs to play, I still flash the hallway
light like I used to for River (he was deaf). A flashing light always
caused him to stop and look around with that precious face of his,
till he found me looking for him. His cheweasels remain untouched, in
the same spots he had left them. His foamy fries still hidden. He had
little fur string toys that he loved - still in the same spot. All
waiting for him to come back it looks like. I put tunnels up on the
wall in their room, I loooooved to hear the sound of his and Diti's
feet running thru the tunnels. The way he would itch with his back
foot, making a 'Thump, thump, thump' sound on the floor... I miss it
all. The last shirt that I wore when I last held him - I cant wash it.
He loved to share bananas with me - I couldnt buy them at the store.
I used to take River with me out to get the mail... that walk to the
mailbox is painfully lonely now. We would pause outside and smell the
trees and the flowers and all the nature smells. He would snuggle in my
shirt if it was cold out, with his little nose peaking out sniffing at
the chill. His little leash still sits by the front door. His playpen
by the back door. All reminders to me of how absolutely precious he is,
how much I loved to spend time with him, how much I miss him.

It was such a tough decision trying to decide on surgery or not. I lost
a previous ferret, Ben, during a surgery, so I never take that decision
lightly. I weighed the options. I cancelled the date twice. I didnt
want to put him in to surgery too early, nor too late. I went back
and forth on it. Then I put myself in his place, if it was me with
insulinoma, what would I do? I thought surgery would give him the best
chance. He made it thru surgery, but I lost him the following day.
Brought him to the emergency vets, but they couldnt save my boy. I
just still cant believe he's not here with me. I can still feel him.

I've tried to write something about my River a number of times, but I
could never finish it. I didnt want this to be sad, but I still miss
him so much. I wanted to tell you all about my boy, and about how lucky
I was that I got to have him in my life. He was such a handsome boy...
with creamy offwhite and tan and brown fur, and a handsome little
'checkmark' blaze on the top of his head. I was/am so proud of him. I
loved to show him off. I loved to be with him. He was one of those pets
that was just, I dont know what the word is - perfect, I guess. It
really was just an honor and a true joy to have him in my life. I hope
you can see behind my painful words and see just how precious and sweet
my little River was/is.

I miss you baby boy. I love you River. I miss you. Andrea

[Posted in FML 5881]