Dear Ferret Folks-
 
Not much bio-warfare happens in my household.  Occasionally I cook
something heinous for dinner, but I don't do it on purpose, and it
doesn't happen very often.  My husband is very polite about it when it
does happen.  Awesome guy, my husband.  He doesn't hector me about a
bad meal, he just forages in the refrigerator until he finds something
edible.  The last really bad meal involved ostrich steaks, but I
digress....Oh, yeah, there was an opossum once, very bad.  (I followed
the recipe in the old version of the Joy of Cooking.  No joy there.)
 
Ping is He is not known for his cooking.  His consumption, yes, but not
his cooking.  He has a perverse enjoyment for things we don't think
ferrets should want to eat, such as chunks of green Pepper, pecan sandies
cookies, plain elbow macaroni, french fries, and little slices of cheese.
His taste for chunked chicken doesn't throw me.  But green peppers?  I
have my doubts about green peppers.  Back when I had rats, green peppers
were the ONLY thing I could find that they would not eat.  Kinda makes
you wonder.
 
Anyway, today Ping (big surprise) got up on the Forbidden Kitchen
Counter, the one near the sink.  And on it, he found a bag of Trader
Joes Wasabi Peas, described on the package as "Sweet Green Peas with a
Slightly Spicy Mustard Coating."  That's like saying those black leather
pants with the butt cut out of 'em that Bikers wear are "slightly
raunchy."  If I can see cheekage, it's plenty raunchy.  Wasabi Peas are
HIGHLY spicy.  In case the name wasabi is not familiar to you, think
Sushi.  You know that little dab of green stuff that comes with Sushi,
looks like it's been squeezed out of a toothpaste tube?  That's wasabi.
It's so spicy that it goes into that category of things that feel so much
better when you stop being involved with them, like jogging.  It feels so
good when you stop eating wasabi, it's a whole 'nother kind of culinary
gratitude.
 
Was he settling a score?  Just being mischievous?  Ping knocked the bag
*directly* off of the counter, and into the dog's food bowl.  Imagine a
heap of basically brown kibbles, with these little nitroglycerin marbles
sprinkled throughout.  Now, I know that dogs have something like 65,000
times the number of smell neurons that we humans do (I picked the number
at random.  Let's just say LOTS more capacity to smell, even though,
perversely enough, they roll in roadkill.  *I* can smell that., and I
don't find it appealing in the least.  What do they know that I don't?
Lots, apparently.)
 
The poor dog.  We picked out the wasabi peas, but I suspect that the
whole bowl full is contaminated.  I'm afraid I'm going to find her with
her head in the toilet for ten minutes at a time, lapping, lapping,
lapping, trying to put out the flames.  I'm pretty sure that the active
ingredient in wasabi that makes it hot is not water soluble, something
called capsacin, the stuff found in hot peppers.  If this is true, water
won't help, milk will,.  Capsacin is somewhat fat soluble, and whole milk
kills the burn much faster than water does.  But I am not going to fill
the toilet bowl with fresh, homogenized milk, no matter what it could do
for her potential osteoporosis as she ages.  (We girls gotta watch that
calcium, you know.)
 
My husband tells me that cold beer takes away the burn much faster than
water, so theoretically, we could get tanked and watch the dog try to put
out the flames with her head in the toilet, yes?  The beer will make it
happen faster?  I sense that I am missing something here.  No, you say
that I should give the dog about three Miller Lites?  (Low carbs, good
for her weight.)  Naaah, If I am going to get the dog drunk, I'm going
to give her something good, like that Australian Foster's Lager, Sam
Adams, etc.  How do you tell when a dog is drunk, anyway?  They sleep a
lot and barf?  Mine does that now.
 
Alexandra in MA
[Posted in FML issue 4874]