Dear Ferret Folks- Not much bio-warfare happens in my household. Occasionally I cook something heinous for dinner, but I don't do it on purpose, and it doesn't happen very often. My husband is very polite about it when it does happen. Awesome guy, my husband. He doesn't hector me about a bad meal, he just forages in the refrigerator until he finds something edible. The last really bad meal involved ostrich steaks, but I digress....Oh, yeah, there was an opossum once, very bad. (I followed the recipe in the old version of the Joy of Cooking. No joy there.) Ping is He is not known for his cooking. His consumption, yes, but not his cooking. He has a perverse enjoyment for things we don't think ferrets should want to eat, such as chunks of green Pepper, pecan sandies cookies, plain elbow macaroni, french fries, and little slices of cheese. His taste for chunked chicken doesn't throw me. But green peppers? I have my doubts about green peppers. Back when I had rats, green peppers were the ONLY thing I could find that they would not eat. Kinda makes you wonder. Anyway, today Ping (big surprise) got up on the Forbidden Kitchen Counter, the one near the sink. And on it, he found a bag of Trader Joes Wasabi Peas, described on the package as "Sweet Green Peas with a Slightly Spicy Mustard Coating." That's like saying those black leather pants with the butt cut out of 'em that Bikers wear are "slightly raunchy." If I can see cheekage, it's plenty raunchy. Wasabi Peas are HIGHLY spicy. In case the name wasabi is not familiar to you, think Sushi. You know that little dab of green stuff that comes with Sushi, looks like it's been squeezed out of a toothpaste tube? That's wasabi. It's so spicy that it goes into that category of things that feel so much better when you stop being involved with them, like jogging. It feels so good when you stop eating wasabi, it's a whole 'nother kind of culinary gratitude. Was he settling a score? Just being mischievous? Ping knocked the bag *directly* off of the counter, and into the dog's food bowl. Imagine a heap of basically brown kibbles, with these little nitroglycerin marbles sprinkled throughout. Now, I know that dogs have something like 65,000 times the number of smell neurons that we humans do (I picked the number at random. Let's just say LOTS more capacity to smell, even though, perversely enough, they roll in roadkill. *I* can smell that., and I don't find it appealing in the least. What do they know that I don't? Lots, apparently.) The poor dog. We picked out the wasabi peas, but I suspect that the whole bowl full is contaminated. I'm afraid I'm going to find her with her head in the toilet for ten minutes at a time, lapping, lapping, lapping, trying to put out the flames. I'm pretty sure that the active ingredient in wasabi that makes it hot is not water soluble, something called capsacin, the stuff found in hot peppers. If this is true, water won't help, milk will,. Capsacin is somewhat fat soluble, and whole milk kills the burn much faster than water does. But I am not going to fill the toilet bowl with fresh, homogenized milk, no matter what it could do for her potential osteoporosis as she ages. (We girls gotta watch that calcium, you know.) My husband tells me that cold beer takes away the burn much faster than water, so theoretically, we could get tanked and watch the dog try to put out the flames with her head in the toilet, yes? The beer will make it happen faster? I sense that I am missing something here. No, you say that I should give the dog about three Miller Lites? (Low carbs, good for her weight.) Naaah, If I am going to get the dog drunk, I'm going to give her something good, like that Australian Foster's Lager, Sam Adams, etc. How do you tell when a dog is drunk, anyway? They sleep a lot and barf? Mine does that now. Alexandra in MA [Posted in FML issue 4874]