Dear friends- oh my God, I never expected such a huge outpouring of
thoughts, prayers, e-cards and good wishes for me and Scooter in
response to my post.  You are amazing.  I had unsubscribed from the
FML in the fall because I couldn't keep up with my email; when I lost
Scooter on Monday and didn't know where to turn, I sent Bill an email to
re-subscribe me because some part of me knew instinctively that somehow
you would be there to support and comfort me, and you didn't let me down.
I had hoped for a place to express my grief at the very least; I had no
idea how many people would write back with such kind thoughts and words,
though.  (please pardon my 2nd long post.  I'm hoping they'll get shorter
with time.)
 
Those of you who have lost a baby know that nothing can really take away
or lessen the pain until it's taken care of with time and whatever each
of us needs to do to grieve and heal.  But every email I receive from you
gives me a little bit of comfort.  I have already re-read all of them
several times to get me through today, and I know I will go back to them
in the coming days for more comfort and to see your kind words, look at
your beautiful cards and read your amazing poems again and again.
 
It was special to hear that some of you said you could feel and know
Scooter through my writing.  If I can keep him alive for me like that
and through other ways, it will be a little bit of a comfort to me.  I
wish you'd known him, too.  Everyone should get the privilege of having
a ferret like Scooter once in their lifetime- and I'm sure some of you
have or have had your own "Scooter"- we are so lucky.
 
One of you wrote that my email and experience made you a little
"sharper", more aware of potential accidents around your own pets; it
never occurred to me that my email might help prevent another accident
somewhere, but maybe that's a little positive thing that comes out of
this.  I feel bad- I used to think that people who had accidents with
their pets must be careless (this was before I ever had pets, let alone
little ones that are constantly underfoot.) Now I understand that most
moms and dads care tremendously about their babies... but no one is
perfect, and in a split second even the best parents can make a terrible
mistake.  I have an awareness now that I didn't have before about this
and enormous empathy for those of you who have had accidents with your
pets- especially if you feel they were your fault.  It is the worst
feeling I have ever had in my life, and I know that we blame ourselves
so much- I know how that feels now- and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
 
I wonder if I will ever stop wishing a hundred times a day that I could
turn back the clock and prevent what happened- I wish it with all my
heart, though I know it's not possible.  I want to make myself cry some
more because it feels like the tears heal my heart a little, but I can't
seem to cry today.  I think maybe your body and mind can only take so
much grief at once; I find myself going on "auto-pilot" to avoid the bad
thoughts and doing things one after the other- many of which are related
to Scooter- to keep myself busy enough to not completely drop out of life
and break down- and to keep the thoughts of his death out of my head.  I
just feel this overwhelming drive to keep moving, going, thinking, doing-
anything to keep those thoughts away.  I feel a little crazed, and pretty
much a wreck, to tell the truth.
 
Many of you encouraged me to remember the happy moments I had with
Scooter- I am trying, really I am, but it is hard not to feel sadness
throughout all those thoughts.  I spent about 3 hours today working with
a photo of Scooter, my favorite one, cropping it, re-touching it, putting
a background color on it that was just right (I tried 7)- calling about
a dozen stores to see if they had what I wanted and finally finding one
I took the picture to and had it transferred onto a coffee mug.  I don't
know where I got that idea from- I've never done it before- but I have
the mug now and can look at him every morning starting tomorrow when I
have my coffee- actually, I used to put a little bit of it on my finger
and he liked to lick it off- before he'd wait with a little impatience
for me to put my empty cereal bowl down on the floor for him to lick
at... <sad smile>- (I don't know the smiley for that).  I have written
down some favorite memories of him; gone to the scrapbook store to get
some things to make a book of memories of him.  I am going to go to some
nurseries this weekend to try to find a small tree to plant in Scooter's
memory; we have a blank space in our backyard I have always wanted to do
something with.  It will be his little place once I find the right things
to put there.  I feel this urgency to get it done over the weekend,
though I know it doesn't need to be- it's raining here anyhow, so that
would be hard... All of this non-stop activity still doesn't make me feel
any better, but I'm just pushing myself to do all of it, hoping one day
I will be able to look at these things I've created and have more happy
memories than sad ones-and be glad I did them.
 
I don't think my husband understands my need to do all of this- and he
had 2 of our ferrets long before I ever met him- but he is just coping
with it differently I guess, going on about his regular life and not
seeming to be very affected by Scooter's death.  I'm just not like that;
this is dominating my life and taking all my mental energy.  For me
there are a lot of things I will need to do and talk about to work
through this.  I don't want to, it's not fair, and I hate it.  But I keep
trudging along- it feels like I've lived a year in the past 5 days.  I
dread going back to work (I have stayed home all week) and "real life".
I haven't seen or spoken to any friends or family- just my husband and
therapist- this week (I really have only a few close friends and a very
small family), so they don't know what happened yet.  I dread having to
tell them when I do talk to them- it just seems too much to bear right
now.
 
I will just end this by saying- especially since I don't have a lot of
people to talk to about this in person- I am so very grateful for all of
you who have written to me and told me you are thinking about and praying
for me and Scooter.  Especially those who have told me what Scooter
thought and felt during his last day and what he has been doing since he
left me.  To know I have a "place" to go to write about what I'm going
through and where people will listen and understand, is very precious.
Although I hope none of you ever have to go through this, I guess it is
inevitable for somebody some day, and I hope I can support you as well
as I feel supported by all of you when the time comes.
 
thank you so much,
Jaime
[Posted in FML issue 4136]