dear fml,
athletic socks & men's earlobes everywhere breathed a collective sigh of
relief today.  diamond is gone.
 
i posted yesterday asking for prayers & good thoughts for diamond, who
was scheduled to have adrenal cryosurgery today.  thanks again to
everyone who sent e-cards, advice & good wishes.  unfortuantely,
sometimes love & hope are not enough.
 
diamond's surgery began at about 10:15am this morning.  i received a
phone call from dr. dutton's office at about 11am stating that they had
debulked rather than removed diamond's right adrenal tumor, as it was
very close to the vena cava.  in addition to having performed this
procedure, they wanted my permission to remove a tumor they had
discovered in her vena cava.  i had not remembered reading about this
disorder anywhere, so i was rather uninformed on the topic.  i was
advised by the vet tech that this operation carries a high risk of her
bleeding to death on the operating table, but if it was not removed the
tumor would most likely detach & act as a blood clot, eventually causing
her to have a stroke.  i decided to have them go ahead with the procedure
rather than have to have the rest of her life overshadowed with the
prospect of a horrible death.  if she did go, she would be anesthesized &
unaware.  i spent the next fifteen minutes agonizing over whether or not
i had made the right choice, wondering if she was dying right as i sat
there gazing at the sky imploring for god to protect her & let her not
suffer if it was her time to go.  they called me about ten minues later &
told me that the procedure had gone off without a hitch, and they were
just doing her post-op stuff before they put her in the incubator to
recover.  i was driving along in my (rental) car dancing & singing for
all i was worth...i was ecstatic.  i knew she wasn't out of the woods
yet, but this seemed like such a triumph.  my jubilation ended when i
received my next call...i should have just hung up after i heard dr.
dutton's voice saying "i've got some bad news".  apparently my little
warm, bald, corn-chips smelling girl had gone into cardiac & respiratory
distress while they were doing all the post-op treatment; they were
unable to bring her back.  her weight (1lb, as of this morning) and the
fact that they had needed to narrow the vena cava after the tumor removal
had most likely contributed to her death; her poor little body just
couldn't take the added stress.
 
i am not suffering from a great moral quandary over my decision to
proceed with the surgery; it would appear that she was doomed either way.
my pain stems from the same sad, lonely thought we all face when we lose
a loved one - i miss her so goddamned much.  and i haven't even been home
from work yet.  i haven't seen or smelled her empty hammock.  haven't yet
picked up her toys still scattered all over the floor.  haven't removed
the giant stash of geoff's socks from under his computer desk that has
been growing since last weekend, when she was still alive, warm & while
not exactly healthy, at least present.  haven't scraped her turds off
of the ferret room floor..if not the most romantic souvenir of her
existence, a definite testament that her body was once functional &
breathing & eating & enjoying life as she should have.  she was the
loudest dooker i've ever heard...and i won't hear her ever again.  i
hate that she is cold & lifeless in a far away, unfamiliar place...she
shouldn't be that way.  i am so resistant to the thought of her joyful,
sweet little face not radiating love & cheer to me anymore.  there's
something so wrong with this whole picture.
 
she was dumped at the shelter i foster for by her previous owners, who
were "moving" and of course simply couldn't take diamond or her cage
partner tigger with them.
 
since coming to live with me a year ago, diamond had developed an
obsessive fixation on men...any man who came over just had to be
maniacally inspected & taste-tested.  this is probably in response to her
being so thoroughly bonded with her previous owner...i always imagined
her being so excited to see a man come into my house, imagining to
herself "is that my old daddy?" and being disappointed to get the man's
scent & find out it's not him.  she deserved better than that, better
than the one year she had with us.  she was full-blown adrenal when we
got her...her previous owners had neglected her condition, was probably
the real reason they turned the two ferrets in.  how is it fair that he
should have had her for all the best & healthiest years of her life?
and not appreciate any of it, so it would seem?
 
i tried to do right by her..she had lupron each month, got all of our
love & attention she deserved, and now the surgery i saved for over
months & months of hard work.  every time i was broke or tempted to just
"borrow a little" from the surgery fund, i would remind myself, "nope,
that's weasel money".  i would get these guilt-ridden thoughts of
diamond's sweet little face having to suffer with adrenal symptoms just
because i couldn't stay my craving for subway or something.  some of you
who have children can probably sympathize...it was like diamond's college
fund, in a way.  and it's not about the money, the time & effort
invested...she was worth it.  i'd do it again & again for her were she
still here, and i probably will have to with my 8 other rescued ferts at
some point in time.  it's all about the fact that her previous owners
were capable of just washing their hands of this sick ferret after she
became a hindrance to them, whether financially, time wise, etc.  i am
most irked by the fact that they aren't feeling the fire of mourning that
is burning in my heart right now.
 
on the other hand, now i can almost understand why people want to get rid
of their pets...but for me, it's not about the inconvenience, the mess,
the commitment, any of the thousand excuses we've all heard.  it's about
the anguish you suffer when they leave you forever.  it's about how their
lives affect yours, disproportionate to the amount of time they bless you
with their presence.  it's how we most often outlive them.  it's how they
leave us, taking a huge chunk of our hearts with them when they go.
 
in this moment of agony & weakness, it's enough to make me want to turn
my back on animal rescue forever, and give up my current animals so i
won't feel any more anguish when it's their turn to go.  i could turn my
back on my family, so they won't hurt me when it's their time.  i could
stop reading the news, so i don't feel the pain of people hurting animals
& each other.  i could withdraw completely, and just live a superficial
existence so nothing touches me.  how convenient.  in spite of how i am
carrying on right now, i am really not built that way.  i can't turn my
back...and i know that most of the people on the fml feel the same way.
so i guess the burden of compassion is just ours to bear.  so be it...i
think we are the lucky ones.
 
i am not sure what we will do with her remains...i think i'll leave it up
to geoff.  diamond was "his" weasel, and i am also tired of making all
these important decisions...seems like my instincts are all wrong today.
i am sorry to unload all of this on the list...i am just sick with rage &
hurt & grief & needed to get this out with people who understand...
everyone i know seems to think i am nuts for spending so much time,
money, emotion & effort on an animal.  thanks for reading, if you've made
it this far.  i will post again when i am feeling a little more rational.
 
blessed be,
jessica.
 
jessica l. manson
whimsy creative photography!
28 stafford st.
plymouth, ma 02360
(508) 747-5505
[log in to unmask]
www.whimsyphoto.com
[Posted in FML issue 3883]