>"...don't you ever worry about meeting people on your trips? There are
>some wacky FML people.....I wouldn't take the chance."
 
>"...the FML seems full of hateful and hurtful people...out to ruin the
>life of anyone they don't agree with."
 
>"Would you post something about all the fighting on the FML....?"
 
I can't even guess how many FML people I have met in the last 4 years or
so.  Hundreds for sure.  Not a single visit has been less than friendly,
considerate and polite.  I have NEVER felt, at any time, these visits were
unsafe or foolhardy.  With a single exception, I would readily visit ANYONE
I have visited in the past without hesitation, as well as anyone currently
on this list (regardless of philospohical differences).  The people on the
FML really do act like a family, maybe a dysfunctional one at times, but a
family none-the-less.  That is the strength of the FML and why Sukie is
always in awe of it's staying power.  Bill Gruber is the ultimate reason
(regardless of his tremendous modesty in such matters); he literally acts
like some wise old patriarch to settle issues and tone down the retoric.
When I finally grow up, I want to be BIG.
 
You know, anyone can misrepresent themselves, lie to you or about you.  All
you can do is trust people until they prove they are untrustworthy.  And
once it is done, what can you do about it?  Deny the charges?  Like THAT
works.  There is not a thing you can do to convince biased narrow-minded
rumor mongers of the facts.  There is an old Christian saying which really
has a lot of value in judging if what you have read about someone is true
or not.  The saying goes, "You know the tree by the fruit." If you see
comments about someone on the FML (especially if in other forums where
Bill can't moderate), go through the archives and see what their "fruit"
is like.  You will find some people are just generally hateful towards
specific issues or certain FML members.  Only a fool would trust those
opinions without substantial testable or independant evidence.  There are
times when I have seen someone's reputation absolutely smeared, but in
looking through past FMLs, I have seen that it was the accuser who is
pushing the agenda, either from jealousy, some sort of a perception of
injury, or obvious neurotic behavior.  I have learned to NEVER trust ANY
accusation by ANYONE; even if I care deeply for them and trust their
judgement in other matters.  Good people might be pushed into making the
occasional nasty remark, but in looking through their posts you will find
however heinous the accusation, the character displayed over a long period
of time will tell you what sort of "tree" they are.  You need some common
sense; comments clearly resulting out of frustration or fright are not the
same as those that make personal attacks in the guise of debate.
 
One personal observation about some of the nasty interpersonal conflict
sometimes seen on the FML.  My friends know I was adopted after an early
childhood of severe abuse.  As an adult, I have adopted abused children,
and short-term fostered many others in several states.  In California, I
helped shelter runaways.  I currently donate two evenings a week mentoring
abused children and young teens, helping them with reading, English and
science.  There is no mystery here; some abused children overcompensate
as adults and erase the pain of their childhood by helping other abused
children; you can even see the pattern in how they treat animals.  Because
early abuse is a high risk factor for future abuse, to be able to foster,
adopt and mentor, I have had to prove my own stability and lack of abusive
nature.  This has been done through numerous classes, intensive verbal
screening, protracted interviews with family members, extensive
psychological testing and even through taking lie detector tests (if you
men are ever asked if you have had sexual contact with an underage female,
don't forget your 9th grade science fieldtrip.  Trust me...).  I have never
come close to failing and have the paper trail to prove it.  Through all of
this, I have learned two things important to FML fighting (it was actually
drilled into my head ad nauseum).  First, most people really are good and
decent and will do the right thing if given the opportunity to do so.
Second, for some people the PERCEPTION of injury can be as "real" as an
actual injury, even if it never actually happened.  So, one person may be
claiming innocence, and an other person may be claiming guilt, and both may
be teling the truth from their perception of reality.  This can really fool
people who feel a need to support a friend; if one is right, the other MUST
be wrong.  If it is really important for you to know the truth (and why
THAT is necessary in most instances is beyond me) then demand testable and
factual evidence that would stand up in a court of law, and then look to
see if the pattern of behavor is consistent with the accusations.  If over
a long period of time one person is consistent and the other unstable, you
have a strong and powerful tool in determining character.  In the case of
the FML or other mailing lists, look at old posts and you will readily see
the character of those involved.  Don't assume the sincerity of the
complaint makes it true; the person would be a 'reverse-victim" offender
(diffusing complaints about themselves by accusing others), they may have
has a mistaken perception of the events, or they may simply be a really
good actor.  Trace the source of the complaint back to the original person
and ask who told them; I have found what appears to be multiple complaints,
actually a SINGLE complaint repeated over and over by friends of the
initial complainer.  And resist the temptation to get involved; remember
the old saying, "It takes a fool to spread a rumor, but it takes a bigger
fool to believe one."
 
Bob C and 16 Mo' Word Wrestling Ferrets
[Posted in FML issue 2978]