Since the only way I can keep pesky pals from pestering me is to join in on the "Introferts," I have acquiesced to my acquaintences. 1. How long have I had ferrets? Lets see. Using the formula: Ot = [nF/(Ph x Pw)]2 where O (sub t) [Ownership Time] equals nF [the number of business-like ferrets] divided by P (sub h) [the height of the poop pile] times P (sub w) [the width of the poop pile], quantity squared, I get the answer: 10,237 years give or take a decade. Since the real answer is 14.5 years (since 1985), I have either done something wrong in the math or that poop pile needs to be delt with immediately. 2. How many ferrets do I own? The 19 ferrets who own my ass won't let me answer that question. Something about self-incrimination. 3. Where do I live? The word "live" implies a life. I have none, therefore, I do not live. I exist in Missouri, where Ah have learnt me ta spit when I gots ta make ah point ats yew. 4. How did I find out about the FML? I think it was written on a bathroom wall on a seedy truckstop webpage...."For a Good time email Bill Gruber @ CUNY-0666" [What were you doing in that truck stop??? BIG] 5. Do I have a family" Yes. You can see Gloria, Josh, Elizabeth and Andrew on the walls of your local post office. I believe in the hillbilly retirement plan; make lots of kids now so you have more to turn in later for the ree-ward. 6. What do you do for a living? I can't say because I sold the rights to Jerry Springer. Look for "Bob C: Ferret Gigalo" coming to theatres soon. But until I get my residuals check, as a former photojournalist, I sell stock photos, custom print slides and negatives, and have copyrighted plans to remain in school long enough so I will die of old age before my student loans come due. 7. Why do I have ferrets? Stress relief; it was either ferrets or some muscle relaxant so powerful I'd have to start wearing diapers. 8. Any special thing you'd like to say? Yes. I am only making fun of hillbillies because last June Gloria married herself one; a real southern Missouri Ozark hillbilly. Although he is a damn fine music teacher, he still drives a big ass pickup. I am making fun of him because last week he and Gloria gave me a new sweatshirt that said "Grandpa" on it. Ah wunder who da old guy wuz dey stoled it frum..... Bob C and 19 MO' Grandferts [Posted in FML issue 2887]