Little Known Ferret Ailments: SNUDGING Symptoms: The affected ferret repeatedly nudges any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging". Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing. Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call. FUFFLING Symptoms: The ferret lowers its nose into water and exhales. This is followed by whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking and a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger attacks of fuffling in some ferrets. It may also be linked to interesting items seen in the water e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, greeblingz. Fuffling is most common during kithood although even quite elderly may suffer an occasional bout. Treatment: None. Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits are possibilities, but ferrets do not readily accept such treatment. Kithood fuffling generally subsides as the ferret grows older, possibly due to some acquired immunity (or greater common sense). IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME Symptoms: The ferret appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalising, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc. Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. LAP FUNGUS DISORDER Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the ferret proceeds to 'spread' in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume snoring and dribbling. The condition is highly contagious and several 'fungoid' ferrets may infest a lap simultaneously. Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of ferrets, such treatment actually aggravates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected ferret's life and there is no long-term cure. SMURGLING Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the ferret. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, mis-shapen clothing and chapped skin. GREEBLINGZ Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Ferrets suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a ferret tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. Very few ferrets are naturally immune. Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a ferret engaged in greeblingz hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. Enjoy, Toni & Dinky [Posted in FML issue 2248]