Dear FrettchenVolk: [G.] Ferret People: A quick update - So far have described the flagpole race, the paper bag escapes, the string sniffing, the yawning, the swimming, the wet ferret bowling, and the ferret intelligence test. Today let me write about two of the most popular events: The Kissing-est Ferret Contest and the Ferret Feel-Finder Contest. 8.) The Kissing-est Ferret Contest. This is a timed event limited to 30 seconds. Contestant holds his ferret at full arms length (elbows locked) to start. At command, "Kissers Unite!" the ferret is brought up to lips, nose, cheek, or whatever so that ferret "kisses." A "kiss" is defined as one tongue lick by the ferret onto any decent portion of the contestant's exposed body part. NOTE: One contestant demonstrated his "French" kiss. He opened his mouth fully and his ferret inserted her head deep inside his opened mouth and kissed his tonsils! Wow! Talk about deep throat. This demonstration grossed me out, near totally. Not too sure about suggesting that this action be part of the Kissing-est Ferret Contest. After the contestant receives the first kiss, he extends his arms fully, again locking his ellbows, and then repeats the action of bringing his ferret to him for the second kiss. This outward and inward motion is repeated for each kiss received (given) by the ferret. As stated above, 30 seconds is the time allowed to receive as many kisses as possible between arm extensions. NOTE: If you are not already aware of the ferret's fondness for human saliva, be aware now. Hence, some ferrets will continue licking a person's lips for as long as that person keeps expectorating spit. In a situation such as this it is impossible to count the number of "kisses." Therefore, the need to withdraw the ferret from the kissed person between each kiss. The winners in this contest have written on their certificates of FERRET MERIT, the statement: Fastest (or Second, or Third Fastest) Kisser in the West, the number of kisses attained and the date. 9.) Ferret Feel-Finder Using a mountaineer's climbing rope an area of some 50 feet circular is enclosed on the grass with the rope. The contestant's ferret is given up to the judge. The contestant goes down on his knees (Called the Lewinsky Mode) and is blindfolded. The ferret is placed on the grass, inside the enclosed area, as the command: "Finder los!" [G] Finder go! is given. The contestant drops down to hands and knees and gingerly feels forward and all around, trying to touch and grab his wandering, sometimes weasel war-dancing, ferret that the judge has placed on the grass anywhere inside the circle. The general public, interested spectators, and other contestants crowd around just outside the rope on the grass and have a lot of fun and laughs as they try to guide the feel-finder toward his jumping, walking, sniffing ferret. They do this by all shouting: "Cold" "Warm" or "Hot" depending upon the position of the feel-finder relative to his ferret. The children seem to enjoy this event very much, especially if they are the feel-finder. No time limit on this hugely popular contest, since hastiness could result in possible injury to the ferret by a fastly crawling, lumbering adult. NOTE: Tremendous comedy bursts forth, when, unknown to the feel-finder, the ferret is picked up by the judge and a little dog is substituted inside the circle. It's amazing how swiftly the feel-finder rips off his blindfold upon seizing the dog. Vive ut vivas. [L.] Live that you may live. Edward Lipinski, Frettchenvergnuegen from the Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer ! Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets. F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics leader. [F]erret [E]ndowment for [R]esearch,[R]ehab, [E]ducation & [T]raining [S]ociety, NorthWest. [Posted in FML issue 2222]