Hi FML! This is Elizabeth, daughter of Bod C the bonehead. Dad and a whole bunch of you convinced me that the only way to keep dad in check was for me to tattle on him once in a while. So I suppose it is a public responsibility and a cross I must bear. Dad is staying at some friends house because when he got home and was moving some stuff in his basement, he found some termites. Dad was looking at some old pictures he took as a photographer in order to make some pictures of Cary Grant for a friend and discovered the bugs in his old contact sheets, along the wall, and into the timbers. He said something about it didn't matter if they were eatting wood under the kitchen, or that they were right underneath his favorite sleeping chair, but eating his pictures made him mad, so he called in Orkin. I never saw a guy in a robot suit, but dad says one showed up. Yeah, right dad. Dad brought home four little baby ferrets this time and I have to say three things. The first thing is that they have really sharp teeth, but dad has trained they to be gentle. The second thing is, I think they poop more than all the other ferrets combined, but dad says they eat more to maintian their growth curve, so they have to poop more. The last thing is they are so cute the first two things don't matter. Because almost all of dads ferrets are from shelters, they are almost always the normal sable type or albinos. Dad has a few others, but nothing like what he brought home. He brought home a ferret that is completely black (not the mask) that he calls "Carbone" which is Italian for coal. I have never seen a black ferret before, and this guy is the cutest thing in the entire world. He looks just like a minature black bear, if one had a tail that is, and is already a lap ferret. He LOVES people. Dad also has a light tan or orange number he calls "Amber" who is a cinnamon. She is almost too cute to look at. He has a black sable named "Jet" because she streaks around the house like a jet plane and because her fur is jet black. And the last one is "Jezabel" a normal colored sable that loves dad as much as Stella does, except she loves to bite dad's lip. When dad got home, he dumped all the babies in among the big group, and it was really funny to see the babies chasing dads feet as he walked around, with the rest of the ferrets following and sniffing the babies. There where hardly any fights and I think the only bad one came when Carbone was sleeping on dad's lap when Stella came up to be petted. She didn't like him in her spot so bit and shook him hard. That made Carbone mad or something because before you know it they were running all over the room biting each other. Dad said Stella has never moved so fast in the last couple of years. I think Stella won. Dad is still getting lots of rumors forwarded to him. One says he is still with mom. Maybe they should call mom before they say anything, she would say different. They are really good friends and they still do things together like shopping and sometimes the movies, but dad doesn't live with her, as if it is ANYONES business. The persons saying so are a liar and they better hope they never met me in person. Another rumor is dad is lying when he says he is working on his PhD because the department web page has him listed under the master's program. First, Dad is the master of double majors, and as anyone can tell you, degrees are not awarded until everything is done in both areas, and dad has had a very hard time with all his surgeries. Ask yourself this question. Could you earn all of dads degrees in the time he has earned them, all the while raising four kids, working full time and being in pain all the time, requiring blood transfusions and three major surgeries? I know for a fact dad has been working on his PhD, because I have been at his chairman's house when they were discussing it over dinner. Dad has been in Portland each summer for three years, and in museums all this summer, and I can guarrantee it is not for anything but his PhD. This is a horrible rumor and it makes dad look like a lair and a cheat and I for one will not put up with it. Dad says the web page will be changed by the end of the semester. There are other rumors I will not mention because they are so stupid and false. All I can say is the people spreading them need to get off the computer and get a real life with real people. Please FML people, when these things get forwarded to you, just send them back with a note saying you don't read rumors, so send them to me. Dad won't do anything about them for the same reason he never sues anyone. Something about a Quaker heritage and desire not to feed the sharks. Dad was raised to have nothing to do with people who hurt or threaten others, so he just doesn't talk to them or see them. I ask him why and he says he is honoring his father and will do nothing. So if you hear a rumor, just write me and I will set the matter straight. The next time I write, it will be under MY OWN ADDRESS!!! That should prove to you naysayers I am real! Yesterday, dad took me to the school to buy my books and see where all the buildings where. At least six professors stopped dad to talk to him, and dad introduced me with NICE words. I was shocked! I couldn't tease him for nothing! You wouldn't think I would be shocked after spending more than $400 for books (I had to have 8 books on Mark Twain alone!) but I was. Today, dad takes me to the computing center for my email address and stuff, after he teaches Andrew how to parallel park, and then we will see my professors to see if they have the sylabus for the classes ready. I think he just likes showing me off, but he also did this for Gloria and Josh. Sorry dad for talking about the rumors, but I couldn't hold my tongue anymore. Can I still borrow the red car tomorrow? Elizabeth, daughter of Bob C and Assistant Chief Pooper Picker Upper [Posted in FML issue 2035]