I wasn't going to post today; I feel like a burden to all of you and to BIG's space and time, but you are a very important catharsis for me right now. (Bill you may remove this post if you don't have space; just being able to write it down and send it helps me, and the replies have been wonderful helps.) Now that I can do my own e-mail instead of holding things on disks for Steve I'm learning how much it helps to be able to release grief like this, and I know it makes me less of a burden to Steve. He has animal loving friends at work who help him cope. We still sog each other up enough over this. Ruffle had a terible early day yeasterday (for us -- not for her since she had no pain), blew up to a bigger ascites level than ever before, was more semi-conscious than asleep for a while, and even got blueish on her rear feet. Then about five p.m. she rallied and is still with us. She seems to be annoyed that she is now so blimp-like that she can't curl up any longer, but other than that is showing absolutely no indications of discomfort. Her bad days have been every other day so far. No one thought she'd make it through Sunday, Tuesday, or Thursday. I can't find anything we are doing on her good days that might predispose this, but she keeps herself awake more on her good days so that may be it. She's now too bloated to spend her nights next to our bed, but shifts work. Her kisses smell and taste different now. Since her lungs are okay we suspect it's becasue of her liver and because thing really aren't being digested much is at all. All she'll take now is Sustical and some water, though yesterday she licked some just rained on potting soil and was ahppy to do something else she'd been kept from (worry over fertilizers hurting them) in the past. She has other options. They just don't appeal at this stage. Meltdown has scolded me about her, and both Meeteetse and 'Chopper have cried outside her cage for two days now. We have to keep Meltdown from getting too excited since that is so bad for her heart arrhythmia. A few days ago Bruce Williams and I spoke and he's as shocked as anyone that Meltdown is not only still alive, but thriving. The enacard and dig have worked wonders. It's hard to give the others enough attention, too, but they are so extra kind and well behaved these days, that they don't make it any burden at all, so it's not their fault. Ruffle just needs so much now. Spot and Warp can't figure out what is going on. Today I still ahve to cuddle Spottie and 'Chopper. The Fly (Meeteetse, because of how Teetse sounds) had a private romp time without the others and now Warp is having one. She comes in every once in a while for belly kisses and hugs. The growing stack of our own laundry (ferret needs are more important) is fascinating to her. Thanks for being there. Through all the years we've always known that fml people are just so special. Sure, there are disagreements at times, and now and then some bigs ones, or whatever, but in the end we all know that what is important is the ferrets. You mean a lot to us. Sukie [Posted in FML issue 1609]