Dear Ferret Folks- Well, my sister's divorce just became final a few weeks ago, much to general relief. She has finally gotten to the point where she accepts and is comfortable with the thought that her ex-husband, the father of my most excellent nephew Alexander (7) was oh hell yeah, abusive. You don't have to make a punch connect to be an abuser. Just a man putting his fists through the walls, threatening to kill himself if you throw him out, raging through the house kicking things over and hurling breakables is *abusive.* When a man acts like that and convinces you that it's all up to *you* to keep him from behaving like that? That's *abuse.* She gets that now, and is getting stronger every day. Alexander has good days and bad. It broke my heart when he asked me "Did Daddy love me when he used to throw things?" Yeah. Yeah he did. But not in any reasonable, healthy way. It's helped Alexander enormously that his father no longer lives in his car, and is in a half-way house. Alex spent last winter worrying that his father was cold in the car. (Hope he was. Hope he froze his *uts off, but I digress...) We've gotten past his school trying to throw him out for his ADD. That took months of meetings and a lawyer and a professional Educational Advocate to set right. Unfortunately, because of someone's loose lips at his school, he knew they were trying to throw him out and send him to the "special school", and he wondered why they didn't like him. He's behind academically and I am not sure what next year will bring, but for the moment they are *off* his back. The DSS finally decided that they would close their investigation once the divorce actually went through. Apparently they have a terrible time with mothers throwing an abusive and /or negligent father out of the house and then deciding to take him back. We were having a hell of a time trying to understand why they were coming around for months and months and making home visits. (In Massachusetts if you get a restraining order against your spouse/partner and there are minor children, they open a home investigation.) My sister wasn't accused of any negligence of abuse, her ex was. But still, we had 11 months of visits and never any clear reason for why that was the case. It was horribly stressful for all involved, and Alex was glad to know that they are gone for good. He didn't really understand what was going on, but he could tell that we weren't happy about having them around. So...One last hurdle. Christmas. I know that many of you have wound up as single parents, and that was never your plan. You know how hard it is on the kids, especially that first year. Some of you had divorcing parents, and you know what all of this feels like from the inside out. It's hard. It's really hard. And Alex is having a hard time with Christmas because Daddy won't be there and it won't be the same. No it won't. I love this little guy more than life itself. And I will move mountains if it is within my power. It was such a big help when some of you kindly sent him cards over Easter last spring. It turned something he was dreading into something amazing, and it was so healing for him. (Except for the part where folks sent candy, and we had to hide it on him! Like many ADD children, sugar is a big issue. He got plenty of it, just not as much as *he* thought he needed!) He was just awestruck when he kept getting *mail* that was just for him. I know that he will understand why when he is older. Right now, it's just magic. If any of you could find it in your hearts to provide some more magic to get him over this last hurdle, I would appreciate it so much. He doesn't need presents, he just needs to know that life will go on, and that it will be good. Could you consider sending him a Christmas card this year? And if you have divorced, or have survived divorcing parents could you please tell him so, and that life will go on? It's a message that he desperately needs to hear. And if you are a single parent this Christmas and that was never your plan, I salute you. It is hard work. *amned hard. And you are amazing for doing it day in and day out. Next year? The little guy needs to tough it out on his own. But this year, a little magic would go a long way. Thank you- Alexandra in MA Alexander Hale 23 Esty Rd. Princeton MA 01541 PS- If YOU have a kid that needs a card, please write and tell me about it. I have magic of my own, too! [Posted in FML 6906]