I am having a hard time trying to write this. I cant title it 'Goodbye'. I just cant believe that I wont see my little River again. I know we'll be meeting again on the other side. It feels like its been so long since I held my baby boy. But then again, I can still feel him, and it feels like it happened only yesterday. Three weeks ago today (Tuesday) I was driving to the vets to take River for his insulinoma surgery. I made sure I got there early to be able to spend a little more time lovin' on him. Kissing his handsome belly. And him giving me lots of little kisses on my nose. And letting him look out the window and take a sniff at the chilly air. He liked to do that. And even though he'd probably never admit it, he did like me lovin' on him... as macho as he tried to be in front of his ferret-sister - he just knew he had me wrapped around his little paws. God how I wish it was 3 weeks ago. I wish I was back again driving into the vets. I wish I wouldve gotten a flat tire, had an accident (River was ok), ran out of gas, my engine broke, got car jacked (but the guy let me keep River with me)... *anything*. Anything that would have delayed me getting to the vets, and the surgery would have been cancelled. I really wonder if I was getting "signs" to not go thru with the surgery... I thought it was me just being paranoid. If I was suppossed to understand these signs, and I wasnt understanding them - I wish I got whalloped with a sign that was out of my control. Like getting a flat tire that was too far from home, and too far from the vets. And my cell phone wouldnt work. And the towtruck driver was late beyond belief. And me and River were stuck sitting on the side of the road for hours. The surgery just wouldve had to have been cancelled that day. My Rivie had insulinoma. I was feeding him around the clock. His special soupie dishes are sitting empty in his room. They've been empty for so long. It breaks my heart looking at them so clean and empty. His medication sits on a table, waiting for him. His best little ferret-friend Diti looks so lonely sleeping in River's most favorite bed. I see his little face looking up at me and following me around waiting so sweetly for his mid-morning 'crazy soup'. His favorite "slippy slide" (a long cardboard tunnel that he loved to run thru and then have me tilt for him so he would go sliding down it, and usually crashing in to Diti), his favorite poopy corner spots, his tunnels, his toys are all reminders of how much I miss him. And how much fun I had with him. My closet is so empty without finding him sleeping in there at some point during the day. There was a dog bed that he found a hole in so he could crawl inside of it on cold winters day to stay nice and warm - I still step over it reflexivly thinking he might be in there. When I call Diti to come downstairs to play, I still flash the hallway light like I used to for River (he was deaf). A flashing light always caused him to stop and look around with that precious face of his, till he found me looking for him. His cheweasels remain untouched, in the same spots he had left them. His foamy fries still hidden. He had little fur string toys that he loved - still in the same spot. All waiting for him to come back it looks like. I put tunnels up on the wall in their room, I loooooved to hear the sound of his and Diti's feet running thru the tunnels. The way he would itch with his back foot, making a 'Thump, thump, thump' sound on the floor... I miss it all. The last shirt that I wore when I last held him - I cant wash it. He loved to share bananas with me - I couldnt buy them at the store. I used to take River with me out to get the mail... that walk to the mailbox is painfully lonely now. We would pause outside and smell the trees and the flowers and all the nature smells. He would snuggle in my shirt if it was cold out, with his little nose peaking out sniffing at the chill. His little leash still sits by the front door. His playpen by the back door. All reminders to me of how absolutely precious he is, how much I loved to spend time with him, how much I miss him. It was such a tough decision trying to decide on surgery or not. I lost a previous ferret, Ben, during a surgery, so I never take that decision lightly. I weighed the options. I cancelled the date twice. I didnt want to put him in to surgery too early, nor too late. I went back and forth on it. Then I put myself in his place, if it was me with insulinoma, what would I do? I thought surgery would give him the best chance. He made it thru surgery, but I lost him the following day. Brought him to the emergency vets, but they couldnt save my boy. I just still cant believe he's not here with me. I can still feel him. I've tried to write something about my River a number of times, but I could never finish it. I didnt want this to be sad, but I still miss him so much. I wanted to tell you all about my boy, and about how lucky I was that I got to have him in my life. He was such a handsome boy... with creamy offwhite and tan and brown fur, and a handsome little 'checkmark' blaze on the top of his head. I was/am so proud of him. I loved to show him off. I loved to be with him. He was one of those pets that was just, I dont know what the word is - perfect, I guess. It really was just an honor and a true joy to have him in my life. I hope you can see behind my painful words and see just how precious and sweet my little River was/is. I miss you baby boy. I love you River. I miss you. Andrea [Posted in FML 5881]