Dear Ferret Folks- I am gently amused to note that I have had a bunch of advice regarding personality conflicts come into my *inbox*, but it hasn't showed up on the FML. So I'm putting it here, where I hope it can be of some good for anyone who gets in over their head like Debi was the other day. This is advice that is good for *any* personality conflict on the net. I don't mean to be getting into the nuts and bolts of what has gone wrong between Debi and the person she isn't getting along with. I'm not going there. Period. Debi's "enemy?" This is not about *you*. This is about restoring courtesy on the net when two people can't leave each other alone. Period. This is not about who is right and who is wrong. Period. I am NOT taking sides. Here is what I have done *myself* to deal with a problem that I have had with one other person. I have re-configured my e-mail inbox so that it no longer accepts messages from that person. Out of sight, out of mind. It's easier on both of us. If you don't know how, ask for help on the FML from a computer savvy person. You don't have to get into details or justify yourself, just make the decision and ask for help. Stopping personal back and forths may be *especially* important if you realize that some people have the habit of saving any text or messages that you send out regarding your feud, and essentially making a file of them. You may see six months down the road something you posted in a personal e-mail posted publicly on a board, something that you never intended to share with the world at large. You'll get mad, post again, and the whooole thing flares up all over. One message I got yesterday stressed how hard it is to *drop* a disagreement when one person consistently, absolutely HAS to have the last word. Yes, that is really annoying. But you know what? Nobody is going to remember in a hundred years who had the last word. *Let it go*. Don't play that tit-for-tat game. That makes you part of the problem, not part of the solution. If someone has to have the last word, give it to 'em, and be grateful that by walking away, it will be the *last word*. It's not about who is right. It's about deciding "I am going to be the grown up in this situation." No one can make this decision for you. It's on you. If your "feud" is public, posted on a message board, unsurprisingly some of your friends will want to come to your defense. They will be typing under the influence of high emotion, and may well actually make things *worse* without meaning to. Now your "enemy" will feel viciously attacked by a pack, and will want to respond in kind. Wouldn't you? Thus, there will be another round of ugly posting. This kind of feuding is just like a fire. It can't burn if you starve it of fuel. Remove the fuel. Make one (ONE!) post to your board that reads something like this: "It has become clear that I have a persistent personality conflict with one person on this board. Rather than drag it out, I have decided not to respond to any more posts from (insert name here) on this group site. I ask that everyone else who has something to say about this issue will respond via personal inbox, and not to the group as a whole. I appreciate your well-intentioned support, but I would prefer to spare this group any more of this conflict." Make it just this business-like. Don't go into the issues, your feelings being hurt, anything ugly or unfair that your "enemy" has said or done, write it just like this. Don't get all self-righteous. Don't tell us that you can't sleep, you can't eat, you feel your honor as a person and as a ferret-mommy has been sullied. Don't tell us how you have suffered. Don't tell us how big you are being by taking this action. Just. Don't. Go. There. Then, *SHUT UP* about it in public in your group. Do just what you said, don't address the issue any more. Period. And if your supporters write in to your personal inbox say "thank you" to them for their support, unload on them if you are upset and need a friendly ear, but *DON'T* respond to anything that your "enemy" may post in public. Period. It makes you look like a reasonable adult. It makes your enemy look like....well.... Remember, this may feel deadly earnest to you (I've been there!), but after a while it takes on the characteristics of a game, doesn't it? Decide that the game is over. *OVER*. Stop playing. Ask your friends to stop playing. And that will leave ooooone person, hopping mad, spitting out hatred, and looking like...(fill in the words from your imagination, here!) And maybe that's the best revenge, isn't it? Knowing that XYZ still wants to play, and you won't give 'em the satisfaction! Not today, not ever. This is not about winning your feud, but ending it. Alexandra in MA P.S. Wolfy steals silverware. [Posted in FML 5847]