Dear FML' ers, I will start out by telling all that my sweet Tootsie girl left for the bridge last week. I understand, there were many things wrong. And even though I have all the good memories of her I also have the memory that I contributed to her death But I wanted to tell everyone what a wonderful little ferret girl she was. I have already sent a message to the bridge greeters and heard back. But I wanted everyone to know her. The woman that brought her into the shelter said she did not want her because she would not play like a baby. The day she came into the shelter she was at least somewhere between 10 and 10 1/2 years old. I have had her for almost a year so she was at least 11 years old when she passed. She was a foster, but she was loved like she had been a part of my family for ever. It was love at first sight the day she arrived. But she needed some quick vet care and she was not able to come home with me that very day. Her quick vet care consisted of having almost all of her teeth remove. When she came into the shelter her teeth and gums were black. When the vet was done she had maybe five teeth left. Tootsie was a silver girl with a very definate siamese mask. She had very thin fur. After one Lupron shot she had beautiful thick, soft fur. Excellent table (eating) habits. She had to have her face wiped off after just a few bits. She could not stand food on her whiskers or her chin She could only eat softened kibble, with a half teaspoon of chicken baby food and a half teaspoon of A/D. She eat this mix about four times a day. And she always ate really well for me. She had her own special bowl. Getting towards the end sometimes she had to be force fed. And I even had to give her fluids(to re hydrate her) a couple of times. She had a terrible inner ear infection. Tootsie had a tumor very close to her brain and the vet had told me that when it reached into the brain cavity she would very likely die. I thought I was prepared. Wrong! Tootsie had a permanant tilt to her head. She would walk in circles if I did not point her in a direction. She had permanant "Bad" smell to her breath, like infection(this was most likely due to her bad teeth). And she was very hard of hearing and blind. Tootsie could not straighten out very well any more, her back legs were weak and betrayed her. Then her front legs became wobbley and did not function well. She had insulinoma(dexamethasone 1x aday). And my Tootsie girl got so she sleept alot. Tootsie was on antivert transdermal every 12 hours (dizziness & upset stomach), amoxicillin 2x a day, baytril shots 2x a day, centrine(upset stomach) in between the antivert applications. And last but not least, valium(when needed) in case of seizures. She went for vet vis its frequently. The vet always told me that Tootsie's heart was very strong. I should tell eveyone that Tootsie was not in any pain after her teeth were removed. While Tootsie was here she had her own cage. I lined the bottom with a fleece blanket, then there was a surgical pad(she could not use a litter box anymore), then I folded a flannel blanket in half for her to lay on. Then she had one or two fleece blankets(according to how thick the fleece was she had a very hard time maintaining her body temperature and was always cold). If her cage was not set up exactly like she wanted it she would grunt and grumble at me. Her cage or her house was cleaned every single day. She was never allowed to lay in urine or poop. I was worried she would get urine scald and suffer. She let me and me alone hold her. She liked to lay stretched out with her head on my chest. I held her and we would talk and sometimes I would sing to her. I can not carry a tune in a bucket, but Tootsie liked it. About a week before she passed we discussed the bridge. And I really thought everything was going to be just fine. Because I did not want her to stay in her cage all the time(she would go there willingly at night, but wanted out in the day time), she stayed in the bathroom during the day. I put a piece of plexiglass a cross the door. The few times she came out, she went directly towards my smell, the bedroom. Then the last day while I was at work she forced her way out of the bathroom by pushing the plexiglass open a little. I searched erverywhere. Tore my house apart. She crawled out of the bathroom and went in the opposite direction. She went to the basement steps, fell down to the bottom and had a heart attack. I have punished myself everyday for allowing my sweet girl to die. I have spent most of my life trying to save life and now I have taken a life, I killed my baby girl. I only hope my Tootsie will please forgive me, and remember how much I loved her. Since her loss I have taken in two new babies(born the second half of June), hoping they would distract me from Tootsie's death. Even though I love them very much and yes they are great fun, and yes again, I have other ferrets that I love and they need me, it has not distacted me from what I have done. I could not begin to tell how many tears I have cried or how guilty I feel. Please everyone take true caution with your little ones. We all know that they can be very inventive and get into situations that can very harmful, even deadly. Give your fur kids an extra hug and kiss, this could be the last hug and kiss you are ever able to give them. Donna P.S. I am so sorry this is so very long [Posted in FML 5403]