WARNING: HUMOR RECLAIMER: The following post contains offensive humor that is bound to make at least one surly group of FMLer's angry. I encourage the release of that anger; it reduces stress and extends life, and I volunteer to be the brunt of your vocal tirades. Just remember, you can catch the joke and laugh with me, or get mad, make a vocal fool out of yourself, and let others laugh at you. In any case, I apologize beforehand for any remarks that might get stuck in your craw, especially if you are a nurse or doctor who works in a hospital I might visit in the near future. After my recent adventures, I thought a few of you might enjoy my scientific observations on the similarity of ferrets and experiences in hospitals. 1. The reaction to a cold ferret nose in your ear canal is roughly the same as to a cold doctor's stethoscope near your armpit. 2. Both ferrets and doctors are non-communicative because they didn't evolve advanced language skills. 3. It is likely a ferret will steal your Jello if given half a chance. The same can be said about nurses. Doctors just steal your wallets, which interestingly enough, is also something ferrets would do. 4. Ferrets are taught to defecate in a pan in the corner of a room. People in the hospital are taught the same thing, except the pan is attached to a chair with a hole in the seat. 5. Ferrets like to sniff each other's butts when saying hello; doctors just rely on anal probing. 6. When a ferret is SND (Sleeping, Not Dead), it is unlikely it will be disturbed when called. When a nurse is MCB (Missing, Cigarette Break), they will be greatly disturbed when called. However, in both cases, you see and hear nothing. 7. A ferret's nature will leave you writhing in laughter as you are left in stitches. A doctor's nature will leave you writhing in discomfort as you are left in stitches. 8. Physicians and ferrets frequently attempt to impress passersby with an invocation of their academic degrees; you know this because physicians say "doc, doc, doc" and ferrets say "dook, dook, dook." The difference is clearly in their accent. 9. If you disagree with a doctor, they will stare at you in blinking disbelief. Ferrets do the same thing, except they don't pretend to listen. 10. Both ferrets and the medical profession seem to think that when you hide what you are doing behind a thin cloth curtain, passersby will not hear the screams of agony, nor understand exactly what is going on. Both need to go to the First Bank of Obvious because they need a reality check. (True story: during early morning rounds, I had a covey of wannabe doctors arranged in a semi-circle around my bed. When the head Witchdoctor (HMO Tribe) suggested they remove an infiltrated IV and insert another, I sat up and bravely cried in Texan, "I've gotta warn you; I'm a screamer." Not a single doctor caught the joking reference to Billy Bob's line in "The Alamo." However, a stranger walking in the hall and passing by my open door heard it through my privacy protecting "sound-proofed" curtain, and laughed all the way to the elevator.) BONUS: 11. Trying to get all your doctors together at one time to discuss your medical issues is like trying to herd a hundred cats down a crooked path--difficult, but possible. Trying to get all your ferrets together to discuss potty issues is like...well, yeah, like THAT could ever happen. BONUS BONUS: 12. Ferrets and doctors both seem to have a preoccupation with tubes, dark tunnels, hidden recesses, and areas that don't normally see the light of day. BONUS BONUS BONUS: 13: When doctors don't get their own way, they scream and make a big stink. Ferrets do the same thing, except the stink dissipates rapidly. BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS: 14. Ferrets like to sniff their 18 holes; doctors just like to drop their little balls in them. Bob C [log in to unmask] [Posted in FML issue 5156]