The FML goes out to around 2,500 addresses and in many of those addresses multiple people read it. That means that sheer community size may cause some confusion for those who are used to smaller, more intimate settings. One thing which is important to learn is that in any large group of people most comments made do not directly involve any of us or ours. That isn't to say that we don't all have the opportunity to learn, grieve and laugh together because we do and should. What it means is that it is really important to not read into posts instead of taking them at face value, and it means that general posts really are meant for all because there are sure to be more than one person who can benefit. The problem of people mistakenly assuming that something was meant specifically for them, and the problem of someone placing a wrong interpretation on something written are both avoidable mistakes which have been repeated here by multiple people for many years till they realize the size of the community and that each of us does have more privacy here from the sheer size alone. When I grew up my parents had a store first in Port Jefferson and then Setauket (pronounced by those of us whose families have been there for hundreds of years as Se with a soft "e", tau(l) with a hint of an "L" and emphasis on this middle syllable, ket (All vowels in the word are soft ones.) and nearby BelleTerre was a place where a number of celebrities lived, with smatterings in nearby towns, so very early on I learned to pretend to not recognize such people so that they could be more comfortable in their own skins. That served us well when we moved to our little condo in this part of NJ because there are some celebrities around here, too. I want to tell you about one of them. She isn't now around here and I won't say who she is but I want people to see how she wound up hurting from not being able to let herself disappear into a group. The first time I met her we were behind her in a grocery store line and her bag was made wrong and about to give out at the bottom, so i gave a warning, darted out a hand, and saved her chicken. At that point she was relaxed became a friendly acquaintance. Not someone we knew really -- more the "friendly nods and exchange a few words and laughs normally" type because I was remembered as "the lady who saved my chicken". We all know some people like that. Then her career took off much, much more. One day I ran into her in the video store with her little dog so I greeted her and asked if I could pet her dog. Perfectly normal everyday stuff we all do, and something which had been normal before. She was spiffed up a lot more than usual, too. We exchanged a few words but it was obvious that she had become quite fearful about anyone who wasn't in her close circle so I ended our exchange more rapidly than we usually had in the past for her sake. It was a terrible thing to see happen to a very sweet person. It doesn't matter who she is, just that the inability to blend in and simply disappear in a crowd so that a person can have acquaintances as well as friends, and can step back and not be fearful of having to be the center of attention marks a terrible social loss for her, a painful and fearful one. Any of us are used to having strangers, let alone acquaintances, say hello to our animals and we don't worry about having to read something into it. We don't have to constantly perform, or always be witty and brilliant, or beautiful, or afraid. We just are part of the group. So it is on a list which is this large. In a small list things are more personal, but in a big list most things written are not going to be things which directly deal with any of us. It's one reason we each can let down our hair so much here. One list member recently got accidently hurt by not realizing that (and I am the one who accidently hurt her with some stuff that had nothing to do with her but which she misinterpreted for reasons unknown to me), and similar situations certainly have happened to others in the past. Sometimes the result is a confusing, angry post, but it needn't be. Really, there is no reason to look for hidden messages in people's posts, and there in no reason to not just let yourself realize that most posts really don't directly affect you -- it doesn't matter how you are. For all of us, every day in life, most of what goes on around us does not affect us directly. It doesn't matter how we were raised, or what insecurities life may have heaped on us, or how rick or poor we are, or how famous or everyday we are, or how bright or not, or how beautiful, or how popular, or anything at all. And that is a good thing -- a very good thing. It reduces life's pressures knowing that the only worlds of which we are ever the centers are the worlds of those who love us or sometimes our own worlds until we have the security of placing someone else first. Our responsibilities in life are first to those with whom we share love, or labor. Then they are to those in our communities who we can help when we have time to help them as gift to them. Most of the time what goes on in the communities is not our responsibility; even a moderator has to step back and just let people figure out things some times. It's like looking at the night sky, or a mountain, or the ocean -- when you feel small in relation to the entirety and can relax knowing that the biggest things around you are ones you don't have to try to control or feel responsible for. So, relax. No one is on stage here, and no one here is perfect, and no one here is expected to be perfect, and none of us is directly involved in most posts. It is very much "what you see is what you get". This post is a bit to the person who got confused to help her relax, but it is also to others who might at times forget this basic fact of being a member of a large list community. [Posted in FML issue 4855]