Q: "I am 100% serious....when I was a boy scout at a jamboree, I was given a gold painted moose turd glued to a paper....After reading your primitive art tagline, I thought it would be fun to make some ferret turds into real art....Since you are some sort of a scientist and know all about preservation of biological products, can you tell me how to preserve ferret turds?" A: I simply cannot make a reply better than the question; "turd" is a word that always makes me chuckle. I have to be honest. When I first read this, I though my leg was being seriously pulled, but after several emails and an actual honest-to-God phone call, I can assure you the person is serious. The question was not a joke and the person has full intentions of making some of these to give away at Ferrets 2000 as calling cards. I originally answered this privately, but was encouraged to post it on the FML so other people, with similar demented senses of humor, can benefit from my scientific knowledge. I must say, this question is a first and gets my vote for the "strangest question of the year" award. However, since I was once employed by a small neighborhood comic shop (I was 12) to make fake doggie poo out of newpapers and flour, I will post this in the spirit of fun. I have no idea how you will be collecting or handling these items and I really don't want to know, so I will just assume they have magically appeared on a cookie sheet, hereto referred to as the poop deck. Arrange your artistic items, hereto referred to as ferret art, in whatever artistic shape you wish to preserve on the poop deck, and SLOWLY dry them at about 100 F until they are hard, dark and rock solid. At that point, there should be no odor, and if the drying was slow enough, the ferret art should be left intact. Real solid waste. (Sorry, short giggling break. I'm better now). Once dry, you need to add a preservative. You can either soak your ferret art in a balsa wood sealer (or similar thinned wood preservative), spray them with a medium coat of a flat plastic sealer, or, treat them like a fossil and soak them in super glue. The best way to do this is to take a small piece of cardboard and push two straight pins through the back. Using a method I care not to know, lightly push your ferret art onto the pins so the ferret art is held securely above the cardboard, stuck on the pins. Yes, this is a sort of sticky poopie. (Sorry, another giggling break....) Now, simply soak the ferret art with superglue or sealer, or spray it with the plastic. Once sealed and dry, the ferret art should hold it's shape and be perfectly safe to handle. Or use. Whatever. If you used superglue, the ferret art should be solid enough to glue to a tietack to be used as a lapel pin. Now, if I can say this without some sort of giggling fit, there is a sort of strange, macabe feeling of fun to this, and it was suggested that I hold some sort of contest for the most inventive use of ferret art (NO! I am not full of crap!). So let me know; if I get enough interest in some sort of competition, I would be willing to come up with some wacky prizes (maybe a framed photo of me mooning the CaCaLand fishing Gestapo and Crapola Society) for the winners. perhaps the entries could be displayed at the Ferrets 2000 meeting later this year, or we could even publish them on the web. Let me know and I'll work on it. Just remember, there is delight in the absurd AND you can make your opinions known about judging at ferret shows. Now, what I would really like to see is someone with jewelry experience using a circular poopie to make a lost wax casting of a silver ring. I would love a poopie ring! Or as a mold to make ceramic poopie rings to be used as napkin holders. Can you imagine a "pile of poopie" salt and pepper shakers? Bob C and 16 Mo' Artistic Ferrets (where every poopie is a potential treasure!) [Posted in FML issue 3025]