Hello - Offering up a post written three or four years ago. This to buy me a bit more time for an overdue post on Millennium babies - purely adorable little German children - and I will have to bring up to date for last couple of weeks. Also, I am writing more stupid stuff so won't have to recycle :-) Now, this story I considered offering to several scientific journals. I am still considering.... Alien Ferrets Pesticus Domesticus Not long ago, when I left my notebook sitting unattended for just a moment and returned to find Sweet Pea had typed - hlpqrrrrrd mrthrrrrrrrrrrrrrrqwed sggggggggggggggggggpp;kdddddddddd. I viewed this message and translated "Help Mother Ship". And I had an epiphany. I always wanted to have one and finally I did. For it was at that moment that it all became clear and I realized that our ferrets are aliens. And this was quite exciting to me because so many things suddenly made sense. Think about it. First, ferrets do not relate to life as we know it on this planet. A trait, by the way, that they share with teenagers whom I also strongly suspect are alien life-forms. Their behavior is strange and erratic (the ferrets, not the teenagers, although they fit this pattern too). They trash our houses, have strange fetishes, do wild tribal dances, communicate with unseen objects, interfere and participate in all our activities, collect and hide objects and much more. They do not behave like other animals. And, of course, there is the endless debate on their origin. Well, debate no more, they are from another planet, and thus their origins can more easily be explained. Now, we know there is evidence of the domestic ferret since before Egyptian times (I know, I know Bob, but makes a better story) and many have pointed to evidence of possible alien visitors since that time as well. I think this is when the ferret first infiltrated our planet. And they have been with us ever since. Of course, over the last five thousand years or so, evidence and sightings of alien visitations have continued to be plotted and observed. This is to be expected. After all the ferrets have to stay in communication and report back their findings as well as turn in the earth artifacts that they have collected for their home planet. In all probability, their home planet, wherever that is, is in desperate need of rubber and like substances such as vinyl, latex and leather. Shoes must especially be in shortage. Cotton is probably also on the list of objects to be collected and this may explain where every other sock we own disappears. And this next observation is really scary. They control our minds. They exert a strange hypnotic power that reduces us to their will. They have us completely in their power and hold us in thrall. They want more of their kind in our houses, and we obey and bring in more aliens. They control us so completely that if we should, for instance, run out of raisins, we will go out into a stormy night to acquire these delicacies for them. We have been reduced to alien-ferret slaves. Agggh! We have been conquered, and we did not even know it! And their demands are many. Just think about it. Many of us devote much of our lives to caring for them, form shelters to house those who need it, spend all our money on their care, help them reproduce, actively work on legislation to make sure they can live wherever they want to, and all the while, they have us totally convinced us to be grateful for their company! And every day, more people fall under their power. Already, there is an estimated 5 million ferrets in homes across the country. At this alarming rate of increase, within the next ten years, nearly every home will be under their control! It boggles the mind to think of it. What will happen? Will we become a completely alien-ferret controlled society? Will raisins be used as money or for barter? Will we have to dook? Will most products sold in stores be for ferrets? Will they do something about the situation in the Mid-East? And to think - I would never have figured this out if Sweet Pea had not confused my computer with a space ship communication device. Now I just have to figure out why she was calling for help! And I am not going to take any chances. Whatever she wants, she gets. Maybe this is why people sometimes just disappear - ferrets have ferreted them away to the Mother Ship. If I am right - we are in serious trouble! I don't know what we can do, but I know one thing - keep your ferrets happy! Who knows what could happen if they turn in an unfavorable report on you................ Cheers, Meg Post Script: For several weeks I have been searching for my phone & address book. After a total and thorough search I have given up. Because it was leather, I am quite certain it has been transported to the Mother Ship. m. [Posted in FML issue 2963]