Dear FrettchenVolk: [G.] Ferret People:
 
A quick update - So far have described the flagpole race, the paper bag
escapes, the string sniffing, the yawning, the swimming, the wet ferret
bowling, and the ferret intelligence test.  Today let me write about two of
the most popular events: The Kissing-est Ferret Contest and the Ferret
Feel-Finder Contest.
 
8.) The Kissing-est Ferret Contest.
 
This is a timed event limited to 30 seconds.  Contestant holds his ferret at
full arms length (elbows locked) to start.  At command, "Kissers Unite!" the
ferret is brought up to lips, nose, cheek, or whatever so that ferret
"kisses."
 
A "kiss" is defined as one tongue lick by the ferret onto any decent portion
of the contestant's exposed body part.
 
NOTE: One contestant demonstrated his "French" kiss.  He opened his mouth
fully and his ferret inserted her head deep inside his opened mouth and
kissed his tonsils!  Wow!  Talk about deep throat.  This demonstration
grossed me out, near totally.  Not too sure about suggesting that this
action be part of the Kissing-est Ferret Contest.
 
After the contestant receives the first kiss, he extends his arms fully,
again locking his ellbows, and then repeats the action of bringing his
ferret to him for the second kiss.  This outward and inward motion is
repeated for each kiss received (given) by the ferret.  As stated above, 30
seconds is the time allowed to receive as many kisses as possible between
arm extensions.
 
NOTE: If you are not already aware of the ferret's fondness for human
saliva, be aware now.  Hence, some ferrets will continue licking a person's
lips for as long as that person keeps expectorating spit.  In a situation
such as this it is impossible to count the number of "kisses." Therefore,
the need to withdraw the ferret from the kissed person between each kiss.
 
The winners in this contest have written on their certificates of FERRET
MERIT, the statement: Fastest (or Second, or Third Fastest) Kisser in the
West, the number of kisses attained and the date.
 
9.) Ferret Feel-Finder
 
Using a mountaineer's climbing rope an area of some 50 feet circular is
enclosed on the grass with the rope.  The contestant's ferret is given up to
the judge.  The contestant goes down on his knees (Called the Lewinsky Mode)
and is blindfolded.  The ferret is placed on the grass, inside the enclosed
area, as the command: "Finder los!" [G] Finder go!  is given.
 
The contestant drops down to hands and knees and gingerly feels forward and
all around, trying to touch and grab his wandering, sometimes weasel
war-dancing, ferret that the judge has placed on the grass anywhere inside
the circle.
 
The general public, interested spectators, and other contestants crowd
around just outside the rope on the grass and have a lot of fun and laughs
as they try to guide the feel-finder toward his jumping, walking, sniffing
ferret.  They do this by all shouting: "Cold" "Warm" or "Hot" depending upon
the position of the feel-finder relative to his ferret.  The children seem
to enjoy this event very much, especially if they are the feel-finder.  No
time limit on this hugely popular contest, since hastiness could result in
possible injury to the ferret by a fastly crawling, lumbering adult.
 
NOTE: Tremendous comedy bursts forth, when, unknown to the feel-finder, the
ferret is picked up by the judge and a little dog is substituted inside the
circle.  It's amazing how swiftly the feel-finder rips off his blindfold
upon seizing the dog.
 
                Vive ut vivas. [L.] Live that you may live.
 
Edward Lipinski, Frettchenvergnuegen from the Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[F]erret [E]ndowment for [R]esearch,[R]ehab, [E]ducation & [T]raining
[S]ociety, NorthWest.
[Posted in FML issue 2222]