Dear Todd-

The problem you are having with your ferret is easy to explain. That
*isn't* a ferret. No, that sixty pound weasel you are sharing your digs
with is a *wolverine.* An obese wolverine at that. An adult wolverine
should be more like forty pounds, not sixty. But try to tell IT that.
True, the wolverine is the largest member of the weasel family, and we
are getting CLOSER to being on topic, here, but a wolverine has temper
and impulse control problems that make even the*meanest* ferret on the
FML look like a fwuffy ballaweena pwincess.

You wrote:

>I just can't take it any more!! My ferret is just too big to take
>for walks, but he needs the exercise. Short of hiring the Pittsburgh
>Steelers (as a team) to keep him under control, I don't know what
>else to do. Any suggestions?

Why, yes! You need the one thing that can keep a wolverine like yours
in line. A *lady* wolverine. You will, however, have to remove all
the furniture from your house and anything else smashable before you
introduce them. It is spring, after all. And after they start a family,
you will have to abandon the house altogether. Half a dozen baby
wolverines at play do terribly destructive things without meaning any
harm, like gnawing through the two by fours that make up load-bearing
walls, things like that. The odor inside the house will become a
destructive force in and of itself. It will seep into what little
carpeting and sheet-rock the babies leave intact. (Which won't be
much.)

Alexandra in MA

"Picture a weasel -- and most of us can do that, for we have met that
little demon of destruction, that small atom of insensate courage,
that symbol of slaughter, sleeplessness, and tireless, incredible
activity -- picture that scrap of demoniac fury, multiply that mite
some fifty times, and you have the likeness of a Wolverine."
- Ernest Thompson Seton, 1953
http://bss.sfsu.edu/geog/bholzman/courses/Fall00Projects/wolverine.html

They are cute little beggars, though!

[Posted in FML 5603]