As a consequence of suggesting to new ferret adopters that they not
immediately spay their juvenile female ferrets (we seldom adopt freshly
weened kits, and only then to highly experienced ferreters) before they
reach 6 months of age, to ensure that their immune system is well developed,
we are often confronted with "ferret math" by the delighted ferreter.  They
want her to have a playmate, since one is so much fun, then why not two?
 
We agree, since we are know the answer to the question: What makes a better
pet than a ferret?  The answer is: Two ferrets.
 
We suggest that their second ferret be a male, of different color than their
female, and most likely a yearling male, completely double-barreled.
 
We go on to the additional suggestion that they forego spaying her, and
instead have the yearling male vasectomized.  Thus every season when the
female goes in heat, the male copulates and takes her out of heat and there
are no baby ferrets to worry about.  And, since they mate as often as they
wish, they become as husband and wife.  Well, maybe I should say, as lovers,
because older husbands don't get all they want ... or do they?
 
Also, there is an economic saving here too, since the female is not spayed
nor descented; only the male is surgically altered by sectioning his dual
vas deferens, i.e. the plumbing that conducts his little tailed wrigglies
from his testicles to his boned penis and out into the female's uterus.
This pathway is permanently opened.  No way can her ova be fertilized by
him.
 
Now here is where we take a page from the entomological success in "killing
off" millions of Med fruit flies in California, as well as in other states.
 
Many thousands of "vasectomized" male Med flies are released every year at
breeding time in areas where large populations of flies are known.  The
sterile male flies mate with the normal female fruit flies and in one
season, BOOM!  millions of fruit flies are not born.  With no new generation
produced the existing generation dies off and BINGO!  hardly any fruit flies
are left.
 
So what we do next is convince Mr. and Mrs. Marshall to rear 2,000 male
ferrets, have each one of them vasectomized and sent as our free gift to
the great state of Californica.
 
Since they will obviously be healthier and more robust than the existing
feral male ferrets in Californica, and they will have been so easily trained
by their world-renowned wildlife biologists to survive in the feral state,
they will easily triumph over the wimpy feral ones and will mate with all
those ever so grateful Californica girls.  No more feral ferret babies, just
like that!
 
Since these now indigenous ferrets cannot replace themselves, as their
generation dies off, Californica will become ferretless and there can be a
57.9 percent reduction in the Californica Fish and Game Department
personnel.  This will result in a huge monetary savings to the state, some
of which funds can then be dedicated to the construction of a 200 ton giant
bronze statue of the male ferret in downtown Sacramento.
 
This display will commerate the victory over the wild ferret in California.
Hey, just think, this will rival the statue of the sea gull in Temple Square
that saved the Mormons their crops from the dastardly depradation of the
millions of locusts a way back then.  Move over Joe Smith.
 
Is this clever, or what!
 
Edward Lipinski,  Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuerher, who shouts:
Frettchen Vergnuegen! [G.] Joy of Ferrets!
[Posted in FML issue 2260]