To All Who Have Protested:
 
The general theme running through all the protestations about harnessing a
ferret as a means of bonding is:
 
                            FERRET  ABUSE !
 
You folks couldn't be more in error, even if you tried.  Let me try to
explain to you, one and all, that harnessing a ferret is not abuse by any
means.  It is a prelude to the most enjoyable experience a ferret can have,
as you'll read.
 
The emphasis on a tight harness was clear to you all, as is evident from
your concerned responses.  The tightness is a degree of enclosure just short
of discomfort for the ferret, by the ferret's reaction if it starts to choke.
 
Obviously, we are not going to purposefully choke the ferret or in any way
harm it.  We must be absolutely certain that the ferret is unable to scrape
off the harness by slithering under low furniture or rubbing itself across
a projection of some sort to enable its escape from its sudden feeling of
confinement about its body.  We must be as certain as is humanly possible,
that the ferret cannot escape its harness, for we are going to do more than
just take it for a walk.
 
Let me add here that tight harnessing of ferrets is a common, everyday
occurrence here at Ferrets NorthWest FNW, as a prelude to their being posted
outside in the ferret digging grounds, where they will spend most of the day
(in good weather) digging tunnels in the fresh Mother Earth, and under the
watchful eyes of my beloved sentry Corvidae (Crow) by name of "40" and his
delightful family of blue-eyed, azure glistening, black feathered sentries.
 
I'm rather amazed that the general population of ferret owners is not very
well informed of the innate, fundamental, basic need of ferrets to dig in
the soil.  Oh, how they love their digging and the constant up-lifted,
nosings into the air, scenting of the winds they do.  How enjoyable it must
be for them to get back to Nature, as do their relatives, the Black-footed,
native American ferret, M. nigripedes.  But, unfortunately, the pet-store
ferret crowd, for the most part, how to say this(?), "babies" their ferrets
like a child would a barbie doll!  Does it go without saying that we're
raising a generation of "sissies?"
 
It is with great sadness that I read in this medium, just recently, how some
are working hard to discourage the digging of the ferret in their house
plant pots.  Yee gad, people.  Wake up!  This is the one, the most
absolutely natural instinct a ferret has.  Protect your plants otherwise as
best you can; you got a brain, so use it to figure out a way to secure your
plants from the ferret.
 
Lastly, let me add that the remark made by some "well-intentioned soul," so
delicately misguided, to the effect that the ferret was . . . gasping for
air. . . is ludicrous.  The tongue extensions only occur AFTER the harness
is removed and the ferret is being massaged.  Otherwise, the tongue licking
does not occur.
 
You all may be privilidged to know that all of my ferrets, when brought back
into the ferretarium and unharnessed, are all massaged.  And you know what,
I've gotten more ferret kisses than you, the unbelievers, will ever have.
 
           Zapatero a tu zapato. [Sp.] Shoemaker, mind thy shoe.
 
Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski,  Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[Posted in FML issue 2137]