Charmin Controversy Confounds Collaborative Consensus: Continued Catharsis
Contemplated.
 
Due to the diabolical charges levied against the outstanding researchers
sweating blood here at the world famed FERRETS NW Research Laboratory, the
Chancellor of the renowned University of iksnipiL has issued the following
press release.
 
Press reports have surfaced quite recently that place into jeopardy and
disrepute the findings published of late from the renowned University of
iksnipiL and its upstanding research laboratory that irrespective of the
insertion of the Charmin, allegations have been put forth that there is no
difference whether or not the Charmin is offrolled from the top of the roll
or from the bottom of the roll.  Now really!  This is much too much.
 
As a consequence of the above referred report, researchers here have been
working three shifts of 8-hours each per day for the past 3 days and have
reached tentative agrement of these indisputable findings, as demonstrated
in due finality below.
 
Charmin full roll inserted on TP roller in wall recess measures precisely
21.375000 inches from bottom of roll to bathroom floor.  Note: the
preciseness of this measurement is applicable only at an ambient
temperature of 68.375 degrees Fahrenheit and a humidity of 83 percent.
 
Forceable stretching of THOLA-ichi, a 4 lb 4 oz exceedingly well muscled
adult male ferret of the ultra-light silver mitt color phase, reveals that
his greatest span from tip of front paw largest and longest claw to the
pads of his hind paws is precisely 20.039771 inches.
 
Exhaustive computer analysis from our associates at the Zagazig Institute
northeast of Cairo, Egypt, have shown conclusively that THOLA-ichi is
shorter in full-stretched out, longitudinal body span, of precisely
1.335229 inches than the surveyed vertical distance of 21.375000 from the
bathroom floor to the bottom of the newly inserted roll of Charmin.
 
CONCLUSION: Whether the Charmin is installed to offroll from the top or
offroll from the bottom, said ferret is too, too short by greater than 1
inch to effect a roller discharge of cascading Charmin to the floor.  This
one caveat however: in the event just one sheet of Charmin is offrolled
from the bottom of the Charmin rather than from the top, and as such, would
therefore lie flat and actually upon the wall just beneath the Charmin
roll, then THOLA-ichi would find sufficient purchase thereon to avalanche
the entire roll in the span of 3.4228 ultra delightful minutes.  It has
been shown that with just one sheet unrolled from the top of the Charmin
and NOT LYING AGAINST THE WALL, that purchase by THOLA-ichi's forepaw
claws is exasperatingly futile, resulting in THOLA-ichi sulking out of
the bathroom and savaging the director's tennis shoe(s) in the adjacent
bedroom closet.
 
Since it appears that the reputation of the University of iksnipiL has been
lamentedly tarnished by the report from a lady owner of a ferret that her
ferret will unroll the Charmin regardless of whether top offrolled or
bottom offrolled, our Committee on Charmin Standards CCS is issuing the
following demand:
 
Lady: measure your stretched out ferret.  Lady: measure from the floor of
your bathroom to the bottom of the roll of TP, whatever brand you use.
Issue your findings here for our analysis.  In the event said ferret is a
jumper, hell!  All bets are off.
 
Professor drawdE,  Department of Erudition, University of iksnipiL,
poster of this episode of blinding, transcendent cognitive clarity.
[Posted in FML issue 2702]