To Kim about her new fuzzy meetin' Cosmo:
 
Now I ain't no expert, so's if'n anybody else gives you any contratictory
advice about this, you outta listens to them first.  I just thinks them
girlie ferts are just a bit more fiesty than them little boy ferts, kinda
like .......ooops, never mind'n that, I really didn't mean what I's almost
said.
 
Anyhows, MIssy & Bilbo are the same age.  Just about 8 weeks old.  Bilbo
done already gots his-self 'bout half agin' as big as Missy.  But let's me
tell you this, Bilbo knows he better watch his-self, 'cause if'n she's a
mind to, little Missy'll whip his behind good.
 
Fortunately, Missy & Bilbo had been togther at that there pet store before I
ever got them, but I thinks 'Human' bonding might be most important.  Seems
most of the pets I ever had that got themselves human bonded seemed to gets
along quite well with other pets that was similarly bonded.  I'd suggest you
just gets little "What-ever-her-name-is" well aquainted with the 2-legged
ferts in your house and keep lettin' them 4-legged ferts gets to know each
other.  It might takes a week or longer, but I'd bets before long you'll
done find them two curled up together just sleeping they lives away.
 
BTW: Someone done had to remind me that us humans sometimes gets kinda
judgemental 'bout how our animals treat each other.  Now if'n I's to have me
a SO and she's to bite on my ears the way Missy bites on Bilbos ears, she'd
real quick find herself kicked right outta bed.  But thems ferts, and us is
humans, so's I guess we have to kinda think differently about what that
there ear bitin' is all about.  Now I ain't recommending you let them kill
each other like a couple of Satuday Night wrestlers, but remember what
lookin' like mortal combat to us, may be nothin' more than play for them.
 
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To Anonymous College Kid and the Dynamic Duo:
 
Thank you very much for your last post.  You have no idea how much helpful
information it has given us to determine your precise location, but we will
give you some clues:
 
  #1) Only 82.3% of the universities have spring break this week.
      Ah Hah, we are homing in.
 
  #2) We now have "sniffer" satelites.  They are, at this very moment, being
      programmed to detect un-bathed college males.  Oh dang, we ARE homing
      in aren't we?
 
And, you too, beware, you scoundrel, the tactics we have planned for you and
your "hidden-in-the-dorm" fuzzies will not be thwarted by no dang wide-angle
cameras or booby traps.
 
Kitties, Kittens & Cats Unite, we shall prevail!!!!!
 
Wait a minute!  Wait the heck are Dalmations and who's side are THEY on?
 
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[Posted in FML issue 1503]