This posting is dedicated to Jaden McCarty and to all others who are having
a biting problem with their ferrets.
 
Here on the Left Coast at Ferrets NorthWest FNW, where we feature no
pictures of infants holding onto wide awake, mature ferrets, right up to the
infant's chin, nor needle-toothed kits within chomping distance of an
infant's nose, and where the infant/ferret picture people tell us, much to
our everlasting amazement, that we have biting ferrets, let me tell you what
we do to lessen and even eliminate the biting tendency of most ferrets that
do become aggressive and stalker ferrets.
 
Since we are a shelter and a final home for geriatric ferrets (mink &
weasels & otters & crows & magpies also stay with us from time to time) we
are the recipients of 3rd, 4th, or 5th time different owned ferrets, some of
which are downright nasty.  As you may already know, the nasty ferrets get
moved from hand to hand much more frequently than do those ferrets that have
never developed the tendency to bite.  They are traumatized repeatedly by
innocent, but ignorant owners who are usually duped into accepting a FREE
ferret.  Oh, yeah, but not for long.
 
Our 3-step bonding process works like this: First, get the ferret to lick
from the flat palm of your hand 2 to 3 drops of Ferretone every time the
ferret comes up to you.  Second, into the ferret's nest box, you put in
there your sweaty undershirt, so that the ferret sleeps therein, completely
covering itself and all the time it is getting your skin scent.  This also
happens with the palm licking.  Third, put the ferret into a figure-8,
single buckle harness, and cinch the harness up so tightly that the ferret
begins to choke.  Loosen the harness by one buckle eye-hole, thus leaving
the ferret very, very tightly harnessed.  Do not remove the harness until 3,
4 or 5 hours have elapsed.  After removing the harness, put the ferret in
the baby-burping position, with its head pointed rearwards over your left
shoulder.  Go to a mirror and observe what happens next.  With both hands
gently rub-scratch the ferret's body where the harness strapping has matted
down its fur tight against its skin.  Look what happens then.  The ferret
will feverishly start licking the air, just as though the ferret were
licking itself where it itches so intently, but instead that's you
scratching the ferret into a state of heavenly bliss.  Keep an eye on the
direction of the ferret's nose, and when it's pointed toward the side of
your head, then lean into the ferret.  The ferret will lick you ferverently,
on the side of your head, around your ear, yes, and if you can stand it,
even inside your ear.  Here again, the ferret is getting your skin scent at
a time of extreme bliss.
 
And lastly, as an adjunct to the above 3-step bonding process, make soup for
your ferret, so that you are encouraging the licking reflex.  Needless to
say, the soup should be a soup that the ferret loves.  Now here's the
clincher: when first offering the soup (warm, like out of a 6-oz tuna fish
can), dip your index finger into the soup and offer your soup-smeared finger
to the ferret for it to lick a few times.  Then back into the soup and
again, the soup-smeared finger to the ferret for licking.  Do this like 5 to
7 repetitions before allowing the ferret to lick directly from the soup can.
Then while the ferret is licking the soup, sound your goose horn right
beside him.  Also breathe heavily into the ferret's face, so the ferret is
able to smell your breath while eating the soup.
 
The 3-step bonding and the souping of the ferret can turn a biter-scratcher
to a kissy-licker ferret; would I then ever put such a ferret up to an
infant's face, because I want to promote ferrets in a false, deceptive
light?  No.  Hell no.
 
 Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski,  Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
 
Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski,  Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[Posted in FML issue 2134]