Dear Ferret Folks-

For weeks my husband and I have been wrinkling our noses, thinking that
*somewhere*, there had to be a mother load of ferret poo. At first I
sort of thought that I was imagining it, but it grew progressively
stronger. We have turned over sofas and searched with flashlights.
I have crawled beneath heavy pieces of furniture, and found nothing
besides the occasional small ferret bomb. Still, the odor persisted.

During the most humid days of summer I would walk into our home and the
first thing that I would smell was...dookie. It was like living in a
litter box, it was *maddening*, and frankly embarrassing. And...it was
getting worse. I tried washing the floors any place where I had ever
found a ferret bomb. I changed my litter-pan set up. I cleaned the
pan and cage frequently. I laundered the bedding again and again. I
invested in Febreeze, in gallons of Nature's Miracle. Still, the odor
persisted. It was especially strong when I would sit down on the far
left side of the sofa. My hubby insisted that the ferrets were pooping
*inside* the sofa. We flipped it again. Nothing.

Well, the other night it was quiet and still. I heard the scratching
noise that indicated there was a ferret wandering around in the tube
system. The tube system attached to the side of the cage. It lead up
for a few feet to the ceiling, punched through the living room wall,
and ran around the living room at ceiling height. The tube was maybe
thirty feet long, and made from four inch black plastic drainage tubing
from Home Depot, alias "Man Land." There was a small sound. My husband
asked "What was that?" And I thought "GOTCHA!"

I recognized that faint gurgle. It was the unmistakable sound of a
small mammal emptying its bowels. Into the tube running around my
living room. The tube that had a small grated cap right over the left
side of the sofa. I dragged over the carpeted cat tower (a fabulous
footstool) and sniffed at that end-cap.

OH.
MY.
GOD.

The smell was outrageous, overpowering. I think it might have had its
own color, like the air over L.A. (Now, Angelinos, don't think I'm
comparing your city to a litter-box. I just remember the bizarre brown
sky that I saw the one time I visited LAX. That and the asthma attack
I had.) I had found the mother lode!

My hubby and I disconnected the tube and AAAUUUGGGHHH! It dripped
*unspeakable* ammonia-charged fluid. I am lead to compare the stuff
with the basic premise of the movie "The China Syndrome" in which
melted nuclear material simply pools beneath the plant that formerly
housed it, then burns its way down and into the earth's crust,
contaminating the ground water for half a million years. Yeah...the
stuff was UBER ugly. The solids pretty much stayed in place. We carried
the tube outside in several pieces, where it now rests *far* from the
house.

That was about eight hours ago, and my home NO LONGER smells like a
litter-box. I cleaned the cage, changed the litter, washed all of the
blankies and hammies. For the first time in *months*, the odor is gone.
I could kick myself. I looked all over the floor, inspected every
corner, every closet, every nook and cranny. But I had never thought
to look *up*. Let my vile experience stand as a lesson and a warning
to those of you with tube systems. If you simply can't locate an
unpleasant dookie smell, sniff the end of your tube. Look *up*.

Now, I know who to blame for this. I NEVER had this problem until
a certain suburban wolverine whose name I will not mention here
(Caff-Pow) moved in. The smell started about when he (Caff-Pow) came
to live with us. Yes, the Ferret Who Will Not Be Named (Caff-Pow)
apparently decided that it would be cool to have an auxiliary latrine.
It is entirely possible that he taught my other ferret (not Caff-Pow)
to use the new bathroom set-up. I don't know. But I know whose wretched
(Caff-Pow's) idea the remote latrine was in the first place.

Yes, the remote latrine goes into his (Caff-Pow's) permanent record of
misdeeds, along with the overturned sewing box (the one that spewed ten
thousand tiny buttons), the baseless attack upon the four-foot tall CD
tower, (that one was a blast to clean up!), the glass jar thrown off of
the FERRET PROOF fire-place mantle and onto the stone hearth below, and
of course the infamous bread machine horror. (warm water, corn oil,
salt, sugar, yeast all over the kitchen floor.)Then there were the
times that the wicked (Caff-Pow) ferret shut off the computer so that
it had to be re-booted, the time he (Caff-Pow) dug in the bag of
Yesterday's News and spread it all over the floor, the times that he
(Caff-Pow) tried (both successfully and unsuccessfully) to snitch
chicken dinners...Oh, the list goes on.

For some bizarre, inexplicable reason I love that ferret, (Caff-Pow),
so I haven't MULCHED him. But tomorrow is another day...

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 6455]