Amanda wrote:
>You know i was thinking.  The FML is a lot like a forrest after a long
>drought.  It only takes one spark to set it ablaze.  When the whole
>situation with Monty began, I was absolutly amazed at the flow of
>compassion and support shown by the list.  Then one day a couple of sparks
>flew then...WOOSH!  The whole list was up in flames!  (pardon the pun)
 
Except, Amanda, to some extend it was you who kept striking matches.  Till
now I have not said anything overtly about this situation, but I have to
tell you that your own descriptions left me wondering a number of things.
Among them I had wondered if you were physically or mentally battered,
why -- since the earlier ferret did not work out in your home and was
sold -- that you rapidly got a second ferret whose sad background requires
him to receive even more care and consideration if he is to make it than
the first needed (if it may have been a way to get back back at your
hubby, or perhaps to simply have your own way even though it was a little
life stuck in the middle), etc.  Those quiet concerns were not caused by
what someone else wrote but by what you wrote yourself and the way in
which you wrote it.
 
Ferrets require a lot -- and abused ferrets require more -- in terms of
time, security, money, consideration, gentleness.
 
In your earlier post today you replied to:
>>My opinion of her is that she needs to get support and approval here
>>because she doesn't get it at home- so she posts everything that happens
>>as it happens, instead of waiting and seeing how things are going, and
>>then posting.
 
with the comments:
 
>THANK YOU!  That is exactly what is going on.  A lot of people I know
>think ferrets are cute, but that is all they know about them.  I am the
>only one who is a "ferret person".  Also, when someone has depression,
>little things seem to become extreamy urgent and the important things
>become lost under the weight.
 
Then you went right on to berate those who engaged in similar behaviors.
It seems that the problem is that you need to find ways to improve your
home life since an internet list can not be a replacement for that, so
that you do get the approval that you need in your home life; this means
family counsling is needed.  Amanda, I am seeing several things out there.
I am seeing you causing concern because you have added a ferret in need of
special care soon after selling another who was in better shape because
even that first one was too hard for you to take care of.  I am seeing
you write in ways which cause a number of the concerns that have been
expressed on the list.  I am seeing others over-react or treat their own
suppositions as fact -- just as you yourself have done.  I am also seeing
those who over-react to the suppositions of others and build the worries
even higher, taking the story yet further away from any level of accuracy.
Alternatively, I have seen simple concerns expressed and not treated as
if they were fact but merely worries, yet you yourself have behaved as if
those people stated them as facts.
 
This is never going to be settled until EACH group accepts it's own
portion of blame for the misunderstandings you all have had.  That means
that the ones who ran with suppositions have some blame in this, but so
do you, Amanda.  The things that you have written and the ways in which
you have written them have been the direct catalysts for a good chunk of
what people have said, though certianly not for all of it.  It may be that
you simply did not realize that, but that if you re-read your past posts
from the start that you would see how it built and your parts in the
sequence.  My sister-in-law had CFS for a number of years and her words
often set off problems within the family (and she got a lot worse and lot
more disassociated before she got better but her case was extreme), yet
she often was unaware of the very things she had said and even when she
said the exact same things directly to multiple people she did not realize
that she had said those things.  Perhaps if you re-read what you wrote
and see how some of the impressions others had derived from what you wrote
and how you wrote it then you can avoid the same pitfalls in the future.
Meanwhile, if the folks who flew off the handle re-read they, too can
see where they took supposition and treated it as fact.  Of course, not
everyone did treat their worries or suppositions as if they were facts;
some merely asked and expressed concern.
 
*****Now, Bill, my own personal feeling -- and this is only that -- is
that the parts which simply are NOT going to change unless Amanda seeks
to find counsiling so that she does find herself having enough approval
at home are recently swallowing too much of the list.  (I have no problem
with her seeking ferret-approval or ferret-advice here, merely with her
avoiding acting upon any possible home problems involving need for
approval by trying to substitute the list since it does NOT do her any
good long term or help the ferret.)  I am concerned for Monty and I have
worried about Amanda's home situation since she keeps bringing it up, but
it seems that this is getting rather large, and wonder for how long it
will remain that way.  It seems to me personally that ideas to help Monty
make sense, but that whatever her home situation is Amanda is leaving that
as it is instead of acting upon it, so continuing that specific part of
the topic on-list is becoming an unproductive circular discussion.  That
is just my opinion, nothing more.*****
 
[Moderator's note: A couple of other people have expressed similar
concerns about the circular discussion.  Personally, I think rather
strongly that the discussion is about to end: either it will escalate
into a flame war and thus the posts will be rejected or the situation
will resolved soon, in which case it will no longer dominate the list.
If neither of these things happen soon then it will be time to examine
it again.  BIG]
[Posted in FML issue 3716]