These are the official, certified results of the Ferrets NorthWest FNW
String Sniffing Contest held at Seattle's Sayre's Park, August 31st '97, as
reported by Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer, Edward Frettchenvergnuegen
Lipinski.
 
This pseudoscientific contest was originated by the Lustbarkeitsfuehrer,
Lipinski, to determine which of two fresh scents would be most attractive to
the average ferret: 1) ferret feces or 2) ferret scent "mustard."
 
The title of the "Fastest Sniffer of the West" was to go the ferret that most
rapidly sniffed along the course of either 36-inch, feces or scent strings
that were suspended horizontally about 2-inches above the grass, and that
were parallel and about 4-inches apart.  Initially the ferret contestant was
placed at one end of the parallel strings, equidistant, and was allowed to
proceed as its nose dictated.
 
The two "perfumed" strings were prepared by soaking each one in a solution
of fresh ferret feces and the other string in an effluvient "mustard" from 4
pair of ferret scent storage sacks.  Tap water was used as the solvent and
the two strings were sealed in two small jars and stored for 30 days in Mrs.
 
Anne E. Lipinski's refrigerator until the day they were used.
Following is the breakdown of the preferences of the ferrets at sniffing:
first is listed the ferrets that preferred the feces-soaked string.  The
second listing is the ferrets that preferred the "mustard" scented string.
Feces 1.  Calvin Whyte's Tinkerbelle and Spike, 2.  Cendro Park's Meko and
Cedar, 3.  John Poole's Fearless, 4.  Steven Lamourex's Puddles and Sneezy.
[8] 4.  Lauren Denchfield's Loki Scent 1.  Kirsten Olin's Snuffles, 2.  Sue
Schuttpetz's Tag, 3 John Alahara's female.  [3] No Preference 1.  Vanessa
Denchfield's Baby Max, 2.  Murphy Boughmer's Willy and Max, 3.  Glenn
Price's Loki, 4.  Sue Schuttpelz's Marshmallow, 5.  John Poole's Flatfoot,
6.  John Alahara's Poco, 7.  Edward Lipinski's Thola-ichi.  [8] Summary: As
many ferrets showed a preference for a feces scent as did not 8/8.  Only
three ferrets preferred the scent gland scent.  Conclusion: To encourage
your roaming ferret to use remote litter pans, it is probably better to use
old feces from the inside-of-the-cage feces litter pan for seeding the
remotes than it is to use ferret scent gland "mustard." And, perhaps that's
just as well, since scent gland 'mustard" is not anywhere in plentiful
supply.  Ferret sniffing took so much time that timing was abandoned.  Those
that did sniff did so with persistent intensity.  Therefore, no Certificates
of FERRET MERIT were awarded.  Next year we'll try again, but with one
string only, ferret-feces scented and 25-feet in length.  We will time how
long it takes for the ferret to sniff the full 25-feet of string.  Come to
think of it, we could do this at our New Year's Vet Pot-luck Party in the
gymnasium on January 25th; Yeah!  Sorta like indoor Olympics.  Then, we'll
be able to claim the Fastest Sniffers in the World, right along with our
undefeated and still the fastest swimming and running ferrets in the World.
Question: Should only females be timed along a male pooper string and males
along a female pooper string, and then vice versa?  What will be the
difference in time between the sissy ferrets (Neuties) and the real
(Testosteronies and Estrogenics - the T/E) ferrets?  Damn!  This is getting
complicated.  Please stay tuned, for tomorrow the results of the ferret
yawing contest, a real ho-hummer.  But for some, a helluva lot more exciting
than anticipated.
 
                Gaudeamus igitur. [L.] So let us be joyful.
 
Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski, Der Wissenschaftlicher Untersucher (the
scientific inqusitor), and having a lot of fun.
Edward Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski,  Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[Posted in FML issue 2132]