Actually, this is a re: to wolfysluv re:, so...
wolfysluv wrote:
>If I dump dookie all over my doorstep and perimeter of the house,
>will that keep them [rednecks] out?
Nope. You have to hang bright, shiny fishing lures all around the
perimeter of your property. The farther back in the woods you get, the
better. Also, hang cans of ice-cold beer (any kind will do) near the
fishing lures, as well as NASCAR pictures. The beer will draw even the
most manly of rednecks, while the fishing lures can attract members of
either sex (the males use them for their bright, shiny appearance and
the possibility of maybe even being used for fishing, while the females
will often use them as earrings, or as Christmas tree decorations,
depending on the season). If you add one of those electronic
note-takers to each NASCAR picture, with the sounds of revving
engines on it, it will keep them entertained for hours and hours!
More items that can be used to distract a redneck are: beef jerky,
shotguns, pick-up trucks (though I admit that its a bit difficult to
hang one of *those* in a tree), bottled water (yeah, they are still
fascinated by the fact that people can actually squeeze water into a
bottle like that), plastic models of mobile homes and chewing tobacco.
Now, you have to be extremely careful that your ferrets don't see any
of this. Like most rednecks, ferrets crave things that are bright,
shiny, noisy and can be drunk (or make them drunk?) or chewed, or that
can make a really loud bang, even if it isn't good for them. If your
ferrets see you hanging any of this stuff up in the trees, they will
levitate up there and get it all, dragging (well, except for the pickup
truck, which they would have to *drive*) it back into the house and
stashing it! This will prevent its use in keeping the rednecks away.
DISCLAIMER: These things will not actually keep rednecks away from your
home. In fact, it may actually draw them *to* your home. Therefore,
proper precautions should be used to put these things far enough away,
so that rednecks don't associate these items with your home and come
there, looking for more. In fact, if they spot you actually hanging
these things up, they may follow you home, park on your couch, demand
beer, jerky and chewing tobacco and watch NASCAR on your TV all day!
The side effects of these actions are: huge depressions in the couch
cushions, lots of flushing of the toilet (or lots of urine stains in
the wood shed), quick depletion of food from the fridge, high electric
bills and monopolization of your television.
Of course, having a houseful of rednecks isn't exactly a *bad* thing.
They *do* like to play with ferrets (most ferrets have an IQ equal-to
or greater than most rednecks), they are good at keeping gubment agents
away (this can be useful in areas where ferrets might be illegal) and
they can field-strip any car for lawn decorations in just a few
minutes! :)
Most rednecks can be safely taken for a walk (don't forget to put your
new halti leash on them to keep them properly controlled!) around the
neighborhood. This can be useful when looking for any neighbor that
might be BBQ'ing food that will be needed to feed the added company,
now that the rednecks have moved in. They can sniff out a BBQed
bratwurst from 200 yards!
WARNING! Do NOT have one of these rednecks take your ferret out for a
walk by themselves! That combination will guarantee that you'll have
to send out search parties for days, trying to find out who's house
they've invaded, looking for snacks! Also, most local ordinances
require both ferrets *and* rednecks, be kept on a leash, for safety of
other local residents, so be sure to check your local laws carefully,
before leaving the house!
As a redneck *repellent*, the following items have been found to
be somewhat effective: non-pickup truck vehicles *with* all tires
installed, "Now Hiring" signs, "No Motor Vehicles Allowed" signs, "No
Alcoholic Beverages Allowed" signs, "No Fishing" signs, flashing police
car lights, IRS agents, elementary schools and spelling bees. Remember,
any/all of these items, if used, are only effective if placed within 30
yards of your home. The best repellents are the signs, since ferrets
can't read. Wait...neither can most...hmmm. Maybe use of the signs
isn't such a good idea after all. Well, OK, you can use signs, just
make sure you put the proper pictures on them, as well.
NOTE: The above diatribe is done TOTALLY IN JEST and is meant as HUMOR!
None of this is REAL...well...except for the parts about the ferrets!
Much of the material is drawn from concerts by Jeff Foxworthy, George
Carlin and Bill Engvall. If you don't like the content, send *them* a
letter of protest! :) And above all else, remember that *wolfysluv*
started this whole thing! Its all her fault! FERRET!
---
Todd and the Fuzzbutt Rodeo Clowns
http://leuthold.lancaster.pa.us/Page2/
[Posted in FML 5627]
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