Thanks to everyone who emailed me with supportive letters after Bud's death.
And thanks to all who emailed with helpful suggestions or well-wishing
before he was gone.  It is appreciated.
 
There is still much sadness and pain.  And anger.  I feel like this should
not have happened, like I should have been able to prevent it.  I know all
the caring and supportive folks out there will rush to say "It's not your
fault, John, don't blame yourself, you did everything you could", but you
needn't bother.  The simple fact is I thought I noticed around the start of
the month that something wasn't quite right with Bud.  It didn't seem
serious, and when my vet examined Bud he found no cause for concern, and
didn't see the symptoms which I wasn't sure I was seeing anyway.  Maybe it
was just my imagination, or maybe it was unrelated to Bud's later illness.
But maybe it was a warning, an early sign that Bud was sick.  Maybe if I had
asked for tests a little earlier we might have caught this in time to save
Bud.  I don't know, and I may never know.  It's too late now for Bud;
despite all my efforts I couldn't save him.  All I can do now is try to be
more vigilant when it comes to the health of my ferrets, and urge everyone
out there to do the same.  They can go so quickly; please don't ever let
your guard down.  I don't know if there is any more I could have done for
Bud, and that uncertainty will gnaw at me for a long time.
 
Yesterday a couple of hours after Bud passed, I bathed his poor little body.
His stomach was covered with dried pee from him no longer being able to
stand while urinating, and I was unable to bathe him while he was sick
because the chill could be too hard on him.  Now that he was beyond that
risk I wanted him clean again, to apologise to him that I had to leave him
dirty while he was ill.  I towelled his little body off, then placed it in
his bed to dry the rest of the way.  Around 1:30 I brushed his fur, then
placed him in the freezer until my vet opens on Thursday and I can get an
autopsy done.
 
I dropped by my vet's office in the afternoon and slid a Christmas card
under the door, explaining what had happened and thanking him for all he'd
done for Bud.  I knew he stopped by the office every day, even holidays, and
thought he might want to know.  When I got home there was a message from him
on my machine but the darn flakey thing cut him off after "I just got your
note".  Oh well, I'll be seeing him soon enough when I bring Bud in for his
autopsy on Thursday.
 
Last night I watched my ferret home videos (or as I call them, America's
Fuzziest Home Videos :). It was nice to see Bud playing again, dancing his
cute little dance (it was always especially cute to see Bud play, as he was
usually so calm and reserved), and hearing his silly high-pitched chuckle
(my little fuzz-girl Cassie always had a lower voice than her big brother
Bud :). I was so glad I had borrowed a camcorder this spring and gotten
footage of all my little ones. Now I can see my little Budly boy dance his
happy carefree dance once again.
 
Today is a beautiful Christmas day.  Sunny, mild, and we had frost last
night that now covers everything in sight, sparkling in the sunshine like a
million stars.  Today I got out the Christmas presents for my fuzzies; the
*three* Christmas theme vinyl squeaky toys I bought for my three little
ones, a snowman, a gingerbread man and a candy cane.  Although Bud never had
much interest in toys, he did always have a sweet tooth, so I placed the
squeaky candy cane in the freezer with him and wished him a merry Christmas.
I gave Cassie and Sammy their presents, which they played with joyfully for
a while, then hid them under the couch.  Then I opened up some of the
usually off-limits portions of the house for them.  Cassie and Sammy are
having a ball, running around the house, basically bouncing off the walls.
I'm so glad they are here; their presence comforts me more than I can say.
I just wish Bud could be playing with them now.
 
The tears are coming less often, and less bitterly. Bud will always live in
my snapshots and videos, and most of all in my mind and heart. And I think
he lives on to some degree in his furry housemates. They are all individuals
of course, but Cassie had Bud to look up to since she was a baby. For over
3 years they were together, and I'm sure Bud's kind, patient presence helped
make Cassie the sweetheart she is today.
 
Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramblings, and I hope everyone out there
has a Merry Christmas.
 
--
John Rosloot, Caregiver to Cassidy and Sammy (goodbye my dear little Bud)
Technical analyst, Dept. of Computer Science, University of Regina
Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada
http://www.cs.uregina.ca/~john/ferrets.html
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[Posted in FML issue 1424]