1: THE ACCK-GACKS: The common name for a disease caused by the virus,
_Yessirim_alazibumm_.
 
Symptoms: the loss of desire to bend over near corners, unability to
visualize small items on floors, irrational fear of household cleaning
apparatus, and inability to turn knob-sized objects attached to household
items to 'on' positions.  As the disease progresses, there will be an
abnormal clustering of small oblong objects (or B.O.M.B.S.) in corners,
behind furniture and near doorways.  These B.O.M.B.S. (Brown Oblong
Mustelid Biological Secretions) are frequently observed during out-gassing
events, and are commonly associated with escaped liquids.  Accumulation of
various plastic bags, newspaper, small balls, and stuffed animals takes
place in various regions of the dwelling.  There is an abnormal deposition
of kibbled-food particles in various areas of the home.  In the later
stages, an unbearable stench is detectable in small boxes located in
various room corners.
 
Prognosis: Poor.  Radical treatment is necessary, including familial verbal
intervention, radical booting, and in severe cases, sock therapy.  Terminal
cases often are diagnosed by the patient's inability to notice dirt of any
kind, including that brown stain on their shoes that they track from room
to room.
 
2: CREEPING YELLOW PALLOR: This disease is caused by prolonged exposure
to electromagnetic radiation escaping from computer monitor screens.
 
Symptoms: Reclusion, lack of coherent verbal exchange, inability to
exhibit emotion without resorting to punctuation, addiction to capitalized
acronyms, and anaclitic attachment to expensive ripoffs of outstanding
operating systems (also known as the Windoze or Antimac Syndrome).  As the
disease progresses, the patient will spend more time discussing their
ferrets in chat rooms than actually interacting with them.  This is the
leading cause of F.E.R.A.L.  ferret syndrome (Ferret Escaping Rejection And
Languor), and the driving force behind ferreticide.  Creeping Yellow Pallor
is considered a 'open windows' syndrome, leading to other diseases, such as
Flaming Fever, Foot In Mouth Disease, and the terminal Virtual Unreality
Syndrome, where anything read on the internet is considered factual,
including stories about women with strange appendanges or anything about
me.  It is often characterized by the inability to recognize satanic evil
in small hairy dogs.
 
Prognosis: Guarded. Electroshock treatment is helpful, especially when the
patient is turning on computer hardware. If a check of the harddrive
reveals a hardcore, treatment is ineffective and euthanasia is suggested.
 
3: FLAMING FEVER: A horrific, debilitating disease caused by the bacteria,
_Egocentris_giganticus_, in which the victim is blinded by ego and forced
to expound a biased point of view without regard to facts. Symptoms:
Usually associated with Creeping Yellow Pallor, inability to debate,
unwillingness to listen, and hydrophobic reactions to reason. The
ownership of ferrets acts as a catalyst for Flaming Fever, exacerbaiting
the disease to horrific proportions. The bacteria attack the "raison"
(technically the raisin-reasoning) center of the brain, causing
ferret-related opinions to be interpreted as scientific fact. At the same
time, the myelin sheath of the nerves to the mouth deraisonate, causing
irrational and oft-time unreasonable statements to be made, as well as
delaughinating the humoral center of the brain.
 
Prognosis: The disease can only be moderated. Unfortunately, once the
diagnostic symptoms appear, the disease has already destroyed the 'raison'
center of the brain, leaving the victim with irrational thought, poor
verbal judgement, no sense of humor, and extended undies skid marks.
 
4: FERRET HYPERMATERNALISM: The cause of this disease is unknown.
 
Symptoms include the irrational fear of long nails, frequent bathing of
mustelids, extended inspections of ferret feces and protracted arguments
regarding ferret veterinary practices.  Visible signs of the disease
include the collection of ferret medicines and cleaning supplies, as well
as extreme rubber- and boneophobia.  This disease, formerly known as
'Babying,' has no cure.  Ferrets belonging to owners exhibiting the disease
tend to be bored and flabby, with little or no ability to play with other
ferrets, but they have great nails.
 
Prognosis: Good if treated early and aggressively with the introduction of
several intact hobs in rut.  Difficult cases require extensive therapy,
including forced viewing of children eating boogers, dogs eating poopie,
and ferret copulation practices.
 
5: ACUTE FERRETIPLICATION: One of the most common diseases affecting ferret
owners, this disease is responsible for more ferret accquistion events that
any other cause.  Thought to be caused by a "ferta" virus, the disease can
rapidly spread through the ferret community, especially when K.I.T.S. (Kits
In The Store) cannot be avoided.
 
Symptoms include extended visitation of shelters and other ferret sinks,
lack of vowel control when viewing K.I.T.S.  play, and stockpiling of
rescues.  This disease is insidious and difficult to control.  Theoretical
work suggests the arithmatic portion of the brain's numerons are distorted,
allowing protracted ferret accquistion events to take place.
 
Prognosis: Untreatable.  Suggest family members seek counciling or purchase
litter and kibble stocks.  While not curing the disease, the surgical
removal of cash reserves has been helpful is slowing Ferretiplication.
 
IMMEDIATELY report confirmed cases of the above diseases to the Center for
Ferreter Disease Control.  If you suspect you have any disease mentioned,
suicide has not proven to be an effective cure although it is slightly
better than placebos.  Seek help immediately, if not Sooner, even if you
are not from Oklahoma.  Do not invest in a pyramid scheme or any other
Egyptian ruin.  Play with your ferret and don't worry about the fur you
find on your palm.  Masticate well each day and don't feel guilty.
 
Bob C and 17 Mo' Frolickin' Ferts (Missing Crystal and Apollo)
[Posted in FML issue 2714]