Q: "You are too harsh on vets diets.  I don't think you should yell at
    them when they help us so much.  Why don't you like them?"
 
A: Actually, I like them best when roasted and lightly salted.  <burp>
Extra points if you can name the boys who sang, "My stomach was full as
it could be and nobody ever got around to finding Timothy ."  Can U
figure it out?
 
Why is it when you praise vets, you are considered to be their patsy, but
if you make a valid criticism, you are bashing them?  Why can't you just
like them and want things to be better?  Why would you want to censor my
opinion?  Well, I'm not going to put up with it any longer!  From now on
I'm going to bash ALL FML members!  In "Bob's Perfect FML World":
 
10. Praise would have to be anonymous and criticism would have to be
public (or pubic, whichever is more titillating to the boobs and asses
on the list).
 
09. People would not be allowed to dramatically shout out objections to
ideas if the possibility of injury to a ferret was less than being struck
by lightning just before being sucked into a tornado that deposits you by
a brick wall that collapses on you during an earthquake caused by the
impact of a meteorite.  In the USA in 2002, 2,920,000 people were injured
and 42,815 people killed in auto accidents.  The US population is about
280,000,000, so your chances of being injured in an auto wreck is about
1 in 96 and dying is about 1 in 6540.  If those are acceptable odds when
driving your ferret to a vet, then snap your trap shut unless you can
show the possibility of injury outweighs the probability of benefit.
 
08. Everyone who tears down one idea has to offer two properly
referenced ideas in return, unless you are blind, in which case they
can be brailed rather than cited.
 
07. Anyone who reads a general criticism of shelters or vets done with
the intent of trying to better ferret lives, shouting hateful epithets
because they insist saintly shelter people or vets are being unfairly
maligned, has to take their greasy fingers off the keyboard, lift their
pimply geek butt cheeks off the chair, take a shower, open the deodorant
and use it, then get out and meet real people in the real world!  You
haven't missed the point, ol' buddy: you've missed the planet.
 
06. Anyone who has to tell Bill, our moderator, that they are sorry for
stirring up trouble when attacking another FML member, but they just have
to get it off their chest with a three-part name-calling post, has to
also ship him a case of beer.  We all know how important it is to drink
beer with moderation.
 
05. Freedom of speech is NOT demanding the freedom to shout at others
in an effort to prevent them from expressing their own thoughts or
ideas, even if you belong to a conservative political party that thinks
it is.  Violators will have to drink their own bile, assuming they can
de-liver it.
 
04. If I, with my stellar ego, can realize not everyone will like me,
not every dislike will be based on fact, not all facts are truth, and
there is Jack you can do about it, then you can as well.  Just assume
10% of the people will love you, 10% will hate you, and 80% just don't
care a ferret's butt, meaning regardless of what you personally believe,
you are not the center of the galaxy.  I know, it was hard for me as
well; just let it go and walk away.  Remember that at the center of the
galaxy is a black hole, so if you think the stars and heaven spin around
you, then you must either suck big time or have a butt with extreme
gravitational mass.
 
03. The only FML members allowed to complain that a question hasn't been
answered in a timely fashion are those who pay their membership fees and
keep them up to date.  As for me, I'll answer any question for a buck,
which isn't too deer a price.  I'd better stop this one before I get a
BIG Bill explaining exactly what I owe the FML.  Actually, I might be
safe, because the FML isn't about fee-lines.
 
02. People who are too tired, sick, drugged, upset, unwell, distracted,
angry, dense, drunk, harried, testy, irritable, or otherwise periodically
incapable of sound judgment will be fined for each time they submit a
follow-up post necessary to explain the mucked-up details of a previous
post.  The fine will be correlated to the number of irritating
"correction" posts angrily denouncing the original, except in cases where
the original does not instigate responses.  In those cases, the posts
will be de-fined by content.  Exceptions are when more than one follow-up
post is required for explanation, in which case the original post will be
considered re-fined.  The moderator will arbitrate all fine messes you've
gotten yourself into.
 
01. The "Mother-Hen Syndrome" is hereby strictly prohibited.  Cluck
about it all you want, if you are the type of ferret owner that insists
on raising their ferret in a plastic shell, you'll score a goose egg
with me.  The yolk is on you anyway; the more a ferret uses their immune
system, the better it responds, so if you really want to raise ferrets
whose feet have never touched dirt, then the susceptibility to illness
will be your fault.  This is the absolute truth: ferrets can safely eat
bones, they can chew insects without being poisoned, they can play in
mud and dirt without infection, they can eat raw meat without putrefying,
they can roll around in dog poo and survive, they can live to tell the
tale of having untrimmed toenails, and they can even go on with dirty
ears.  These are not incidences where you can claim abuse!  If anyone
tells you different, DEMAND sound, reproducible scientific evidence
published in refereed journals.  Otherwise, tell them to perch on their
nest and cluck (why do I have the "Psycho Chicken" song in my head?
"Psycho chicken what the pluck?").  Use your common sense for a moment,
will ya?  European ferret owners have been letting their ferrets eat
raw meat, chew bones, and play in dirt for hundreds of years.  Are you
insinuating they have been abusing their ferrets?  Then why do they live
longer on average than ours?  Sometimes American arrogance is tantamount
to American stupidity.  The mother hens might be shell-shocked, but your
ferrets will love you for egging them on, and I ain't yolking around,
chicken little.
 
Ok, this was obviously meant to be a light-hearted ribbing without being
pointed at any one particular person.  Like all lampoonish, hyperbolic
satiric comments, these were meant to draw a chuckle or two while still
pointing out many of us live is glass houses and should keep the rock
throwing to a minimum.  Of all the evils in the world, perhaps the least
recognized is the absolute malevolence of censorship.  You may not like
another person's opinion and it may even be wrong or dangerous, but the
open discussion of the issues benefits us all.  In an open society where
censorship is held a bay, truth always prevails.  In fact, it is the ONLY
way truth prevails.  Censors are evil, unless you are a censer, in which
case you just stink, but being a common-senser, you already knew that
(sorry, that was a thurible and incensory joke).
 
Obviously, if MY idea of a perfect FML were the standard, people would
run away in droves.  Likewise, if YOUR perfect FML were foisted upon us,
you would be left alone with your few minions.  I guess it is a good
thing that Bill ignores the both of us.
 
Bob C
[log in to unmask]
[Posted in FML issue 4647]