As a consequence of a limited number of studies it has been shown that
ferrets are particularly adept if not delightfully fond of unrolling a
typical roll of toilet paper as it is loaded in a manner typical of the
"in-wall" recess of the bathrooms in the Amerikanischer haus.
 
The highly trained staff of scientists here at Ferret Endowment for
Research, Rehabilitation, Education & Training Society, NorthWest,
F E R R E T S, NW, after conducting non-extensive studies of the
aggravating problem of discovering at least 269 2-ply sheets of unscented,
quilted toilet paper randomly distributed on the floor and all around the
toilet, not just once, but repeatedly, have invented a new, and may I add,
a world-shaking and oh so simple solution to this problem, that may be one
of the crowning achievements of our multi-talented Research Laboratory
Staff.
 
Covert intelligence operations have revealed that the perpetrator, the
"unroller," so to speak, is a rather lanky male ferret who goes by the
code name of Ferque-Jew or Ferque, the 10th.
 
NOTE: Ferque-Jew is the son of the father ferret named, "Ferret," and the
son of the mother ferret named, "Queenie." Since there were 12 kits born to
Ferret and Queenie and they all have the same litter name, "Ferque," each
individual ferret in the litter is further identified by a numerical suffix
to the litter name, as in -1, -2, -3, etc.  The numerals however are in the
Japanese language rather than in English; hence the first "Ferque" that was
adopted automatically received the Japanese numeral, "Ichi," the second,
"Ni," the third, "San," and so on up to "Jewni," which is "Jew"=10 +"Ni"=2
or the twelfth ferret.  This ferret naming system is believed unique to the
world of Ferretism and is the product of the fertile mind of one of our
most reticent researchers, Drawde iksnipiL, a rather backwards fellow here
at the Institute.  His ferret naming system prevents inbreeding, as he
reticently admits.
 
Counter-intelligence agent (name withheld for security purposes) has at
last foiled Ferque-Jew by the simple expedient of reloading the toilet
paper roll just opposite to the way that the female member of the residence
lab has been previously loading it.  And that is to load it such that the
paper sheets always unroll from the TOP of the toilet paper roll rather
than from the BOTTOM!
 
In this manner, there is never left dangling AGAINST THE WALL, a series
of sheets of Charmin's Thick and Absorbent Unscented TP.  It is when the
sheets are left dangling AGAINST THE WALL some 13-inches or so that
FerQue-Jew could, when standing erect and against the wall, could reach
it with his forepaw claws and pull it downward in an unending cascade of
glorious, unraveling and flowing TP.
 
Just another example of better living by way of the fantastic and
scholarly research done at F E R R E T S, NW.  Not yet Nobel Prize
quality, but reaching.
 
Edward Lipinski, who requests that you just don't stand there applauding,
send money.
[Posted in FML issue 2695]