Dear Pets,
 
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
 
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  The other
dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
 
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating
me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry
about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort.  Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
 
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the
same door I entered.
 
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--pet attendance is not
mandatory.
 
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal's butt.  I
cannot stress this enough!
 
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
 
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
 
1. They live here.  You don't.
 
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
   (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
 
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
 
4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
   is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
Pets are better than kids.  They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't
worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children.
[Posted in FML issue 4900]