Q: "I am a new ferret owner and I was wondering if you had any suggestions
on how to treat them?"
A: I'm still working on how they treat me....
I classify ferret owners into three camps; "property owners," "ferret
friends" and "wackos." I am assuming, since you have asked how to treat
your ferrets that you are not in the property owner camp, and either a
ferret friend or a wacko. Its ok to be a wacko as long as you recognize
your tendencies; I've been a wacko for quite a long time and am quite
proud of it. Actually, according to a recent email, I'm a "arrogant white
anglo-saxon protestant condescending short ugly twerp with delusions of
importance." That is not true. I am legally an American Indian, so the
correct classification would be an "arrogant Native American protestant
condescending short ugly twerp with delusions of importance." Please make
a note of it in your records. Thank you.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. "Property Owners" are pretty self explanatory, and
"wackos" are just "Ferret Friends" who start believing ferrets are talking
back when we ask if they had a good day. Most people are "Ferret Friends,"
which is probably better for the ferrets in the long run because they don't
get a thermometer shoved up their, uh, ah, pucker each time they sneeze or
do a belly flop. Not that there is anything wrong with taking a
temperature; it can be great fun. I once watched in wonder when G.W.--
who coincidentally did a belly flop and sneezed so I was forced to take him
to the vet--actually sneezed during the glassy exploration of his neither
regions and shot the thermometer into a wall six feet away. Ok, not
actually *IN* the wall; it wasn't like some kind of thermometer arrow, but
it did make the distance. While I wanted to throw my hands in the air,
scream "Gooooooaaaaaalllllll" and do a little dance, I actually just
quietly gazed in wonder at the sight, in awe of the ease in which it was
done. My vet, who was just as dumbfounded as I was, remarked, "Now,
*THAT* was impressive."
Where was I? Oh, yeah. How should you treat your ferrets? That's easy.
Treat them with same respect and dignity that you wish to be treated and
never forget they are ferrets first and little dressable dolls second.
Assuming, of course, that second means "never," as in you better hope that
some day some giant 20 ft space alien from Vega doesn't come down here,
pick you up by the central elastic band all well dressed humans seem to
possess, and tie some cute little Vegan hat to your head. And of course,
being Vegans, you would be forced to eat cheese pizza, but with some sort
of nasty, slimy Vegan cheese subsitute on it instead of the real tangy
stuff we exploit bovine slaves for. So now you have to eat crappy pizza
and wear a silly hat, and if that was fun, we'd *ALL* go to Chucky Cheese
with only a dollor's worth of quarters in our pocket.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Anyway and anyhow, I have 10 rules to live by when
it comes to ferrets. Maybe they will have value to you:
1. When sniffing a ferret's tail, always ask before inserting nose into
fur. Softly brushing away adherent particles of litter is allowed if
done discretely. If the tail smells like cornnuts, make sure you are
not sniffing a hob "too close to home."
2. Never assume a ferret has missed the litter box. Always assume the
litter box missed the ferret and punish it accordingly.
3. Never let a sleeping ferret lie. Lying is wrong, so teach them
political exaggeration instead.
4. Do not try to find the ferret's off-switch. It irritates them and you
run the risk of some dying scientist with the hots for his young and
nubile assistant learning where it is and taking over the ferret's body.
5. The ferret does not understand the importance in today's society of PC.
Get them a Mac instead.
6. Never try to freak out a ferret by first giving them a small raisin,
then giving them a bigger one, then giving them a prune. They will only
think they are getting smaller, it will ruin thier self-image and they
will think you are larger than they are.
7. Refrain from using "ferret" as an adjective in conversations with other
ferret owners and then laughing; it just embarrasses your ferret and
encourages them to use "human" as a subsitute for "stupid."
8. Recognize "Corner Squats" is an Olympic event and your ferret is
getting ready for 2002. So just stop your complaining.
9. Never allow your ferret access to the cable remote until you first
block out the porn channels. Otherwise, afterwards, they will look at
you and get a mental image which can only damage their emotional health.
10. Never never ever ever misunderstand the difference between getting wet
during a bath and getting wet playing in a water dish. Get it straight
and never make that mistake again, ok?
Bob C and 18 Mo' Wisecrackin' Weasels
[Posted in FML issue 2823]
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