We are having life-and-death crises again. It is Sunday. Friday we lost
Julie, our dear 7-yr-old dog, to kidney failure. After several days of
intense nursing, we had to let her go on one of her better days.

Starting yesterday, Rico, my oldest ferret, started weakening, with
throwing up and diarrhea, both almost clear liquid. In case it's from
food contamination, he has new food (it's prepared for us at an upscale
market, and supposedly very clean, but they are human too), and
Baytril/Enrofloxacin is coming today. Please wish him and us well.

Being in this situation again makes me remember descriptions FML people
have posted about going through it. I am particularly remembering one
shelter operator talking about being fairly serene because of accepting
that the ferret life is short as well as precious.

I'm not anywhere near there yet, but maybe it will come. Maybe also
about my own death?

Here is the book that is helping me: How to Stay On Top When Your World
Turns Upside Dow, Katherine Cramer, 1990.

I'm uneasy about describing its premise -- mostly because it revolted
me at first. However, I was so wracked about our dog that I kept at it,
since the author was so convinced that she had an approach that worked.
I'm also worried you'll laugh at me, but never mind!

Here it is, with extra things from some other books that helped.
1. Accept that your world has, in fact, really turned upside down, and
that you are in trauma.
2. Examine closely what you are going through. As you do that, be sure
to catch all the little weird things that flash through your mind --
they are important, rather than just some minor peculiarity of yours.
Consciously love yourself for each one, including those you want to
judge as bad. A sincere love for them (basically, as part of yourself)
will release you and give you the freedom to accept them for work
later. "Later" is very imporrtant.
3. Believe that there are challenges and opportunities as well as
threats and losses in the horrible situation. (This is where I found it
hard to continue.) Believe, also, that identifying them will relieve a
lot of your upheaval.
4. Focus on the challenges and identify them.
5. Identify what you can do to meet them.
6. Don't ask yourself to implement your plans now. The identifications
will give you some firm ground to stand on during the acute phase of
your crisis.

That's as far as I've gotten into the book. She says she next gives
clear instructions for accomplishing the steps. But as I read about
1 - 6, I did them. That was while Julie was acutely sick and after the
euthanasia. I am mystified at how it has worked. I was so upset, and I
expected to be very upset for a long time after losing her. I'm missing
her a lot and mourning her, but I am not beside myself the way I have
always been before in this situation

I think that something parallel contributed. I spent a lot hours
continuously with Julie, just looking into her eyes when they were open
and looking at her when they not. I also talked to her quietly a lot. I
did not cry much, since I wanted to be reassuring for her. That was the
day before and the morning before her euthanasia.

I took several pictures and videos then -- during the videos I talked
to her and also to myself. I did fewer pictures during her euthanasia
and then made some going to and during her burial. Also the next
morning I took some videos to record what I planned to do to get into
the challenges I'd found. (I still wince at that word "challenges") I
also tried to tell myself where I had done well by Julie as well as
where I had not. I had been focusing too hard on my failures -- that
always happens for me with a death, and I wanted to steer myself away
from too much of it.

I thought making a visual/aural record would help me remember. I also
have a long detailed record of Julie looking into my eyes, and it is
something very real to show me how we loved each other.

I hope this is a contribution to some of you.

[Posted in FML 6707]