Since the only way I can keep pesky pals from pestering me is to join in
on the "Introferts," I have acquiesced to my acquaintences.
 
1. How long have I had ferrets?  Lets see. Using the formula:
 
Ot = [nF/(Ph x Pw)]2
 
where O (sub t) [Ownership Time] equals nF [the number of business-like
ferrets] divided by P (sub h) [the height of the poop pile] times P (sub
w) [the width of the poop pile], quantity squared, I get the answer:
 
10,237 years give or take a decade. Since the real answer is 14.5 years
(since 1985), I have either done something wrong in the math or that poop
pile needs to be delt with immediately.
 
2. How many ferrets do I own?  The 19 ferrets who own my ass won't let me
answer that question. Something about self-incrimination.
 
3. Where do I live?  The word "live" implies a life.  I have none,
therefore, I do not live.  I exist in Missouri, where Ah have learnt
me ta spit when I gots ta make ah point ats yew.
 
4. How did I find out about the FML?  I think it was written on a bathroom
wall on a seedy truckstop webpage...."For a Good time email Bill Gruber @
CUNY-0666"   [What were you doing in that truck stop??? BIG]
 
5. Do I have a family" Yes. You can see Gloria, Josh, Elizabeth and Andrew
on the walls of your local post office.  I believe in the hillbilly
retirement plan; make lots of kids now so you have more to turn in later
for the ree-ward.
 
6. What do you do for a living?  I can't say because I sold the rights to
Jerry Springer.  Look for "Bob C: Ferret Gigalo" coming to theatres soon.
But until I get my residuals check, as a former photojournalist, I sell
stock photos, custom print slides and negatives, and have copyrighted plans
to remain in school long enough so I will die of old age before my student
loans come due.
 
7. Why do I have ferrets?  Stress relief; it was either ferrets or some
muscle relaxant so powerful I'd have to start wearing diapers.
 
8.  Any special thing you'd like to say?  Yes.  I am only making fun of
hillbillies because last June Gloria married herself one; a real southern
Missouri Ozark hillbilly.  Although he is a damn fine music teacher, he
still drives a big ass pickup.  I am making fun of him because last week he
and Gloria gave me a new sweatshirt that said "Grandpa" on it.  Ah wunder
who da old guy wuz dey stoled it frum.....
 
Bob C and 19 MO' Grandferts
[Posted in FML issue 2887]