OK, so it's not really definitive, I just like to say definitive.
Definitive.  Definitive.  Definitive.  Anyhow, I have more on weezils in
cages.  The other big worry about free roamers was what if somebody breaks
in.  Well, I have the answer for that one too.  Yep, you guessed it.  Train
your weezils to be guard weezils.  Yeah, I know, weezils aren't exactly the
most viscious creatures in existence.  But with a little ingenuity, it can
be done.  First, a line of defense must be set up.  As most weezil owned
know, weezils are very good at placing land mines.  Use this to it's fullest
advantage.  Your weezils will jump at the chance to not use that restrictive
litter box.  Next, work on scare tactics.  Anyone who has accidently stepped
on thier weezil's tail has heard that spine-chilling scream that they do.
Train them to do that on command.  I know if I broke into somebody's dark
house and heard that, I would be going the other way real fast.  Now we get
to the more aggressive methods.  I know all of you have seen The
Beastmaster.(I think that movie is a requisite when you own a weezel.) You
know the part where the weezil climbs up the bad guys pant leg and bites his
you-know-whats.  Let your weezils watch this scene over and over.  You will
find that they will watch with great interest and spend most of the time
ROFL.  Eventually, they get it into their heads what they are supposed to do
the bad guy.  Just make sure they can differentiate between the good and the
bad (and the ugly too for that matter).  (Sidenote: Could imagine a bad guy
bitten *there* trying to take it to court in a rabies case.  "Your Honor, I
was bitten on the genitals by the weezil in question." "What the heck were
you doing with a weezil down your pants in the first place?") If you're
really lucky the bad guy will be barefoot, which makes it easy since toes
are the weezil's natural enemies.  If all this fails, just have your weezils
act like weezils.  The bad guy will be laughing so hard, he will forget
about stealing anything and be easy pickens for the cops.  The very last
resort if the bad guy does get away with your stuff is to have your weezils
follow him.  Then the weezils can use their natural abilities and steal your
stuff back.  Just be prepared to pull your big screen TV from under the
dresser, where they will stash it, right between the pile of socks and the
pile of stolen dogfood.  If you follow these easy steps, you will be
protected from the occasional break-in.  The only problem now is, who's
going to protect you from the weezils?
 
Mikey B & the Watchweezils
 
Definitive
 
Weezils are great, what other pet folds neatly in half for easy storage.
[Posted in FML issue 1944]