Great post Bob. The only thing that I would add is understanding that
grieving is different for everyone. Some people grieve openly and some
more privately. Some people need the comfort of others around, while
others need time before they deal with the death with other people.
That is where I fit myself into.
For me, I tend to want to be by myself when we have a death in the
family. That goes for human or non-human. There is something about
having people around that does not feel comfortable with me. I find
that I need to have time to deal with the grief on my own terms first
and foremost, and then share in their memory with others. Hubby tends to
be the same way. I think that for both of us it is our way of spending
private time with the one we have lost, remembering them, talking about
them, sharing stories and our tears...
I think we would share with others more often if we could find people
who could truly understand what a loss means to us outside of this list.
Two weeks to the day, we lost one of our dearest ferrets just before
Christmas. He filled our lives from the day he entered our home. He
gave us challenge after challenge, and we rode the good and bad days
right along with him. When we finally had to euthanize him, it was
devastating for us. And although we have a housefull of ferrets, our
home has not been the same since his death. He made a great dent in
our lives and a left us with a huge hole in our heart. There is still
a great emptiness that lingers here and I know that it will remain a
lifetime... One week later, we lost our guinea pig. He had been a member
of the household for many years. The house is so quiet without his ear
drum breaking whistles, squeals and squeaks... This year had already been
filled with losses for us, but I think they hit us hardest when they
happen around a time of celebration such as a holiday or special day.
In our case, our grieving turned into point of contention. We were
constantly uncertain as to whether or not we wanted to be around anyone
during Christmas. It's not that we felt that we would betray these
little lives by enjoying ours, but more about not being over the grief.
And we needed time to grieve but everyday brought more things that we
needed to put our attention to and forced us to put our grieving
temporarily aside. We had loosely planned for spending Christmas Eve
together with some friends a few months before, but we never found
the time to settle on any details. No one had planned for having to
euthanize one of our family members... Once that happened, we no longer
felt in a Christmas spirit, but stupidly I thought that we would
physically still spend one night together and put our grief aside for a
few hours. The closer we came to Christmas Eve, the harder it became to
decide what was right for us to do. Our emotions yo-yoed. We didn't
want to offend the friends who had invited us to spend Christmas with
them, but we also did not want to be in their company when we knew we
were feeling the way we were. We decided at the last minute that we
wanted to spend Christmas by ourselves, so that we could deal with our
grief respectfully. As a result, we are no longer friends.
In understanding that we all grieve differently I ask that we all be
patient, understanding, compassionate and allow those that need to
grieve, the time to grieve "their way". Do not apply your own feelings
of how to grieve onto others as chances are, they won't always fit. Be
kind and considerate and if plans have to change last minute, allow those
that are grieving the time to do with a clear conscience and free from
the burden of guilt.
Again, great post Bob.
betty and her blur o'fur
for the love of ferrets
missing Spaz and Squirt
[Posted in FML issue 4049]
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